For The Sake Of Jake

I'm wondering...

2012-03-07T08:00:00.003-08:00

It's been 5 months now, since we laid Jake's body to rest in our newly acquired plot of land at the Lehi Cemetary. I'm wondering when the ache in my heart will stop. When can I think of my Jake without tears running down my face or out and out bawling. He may be better off...but I'm not.

No regrets, but...I can't stop my heart from hurting.
I feel peace.
I feel loved.
But...I also feel the deepest sorrow I never thought possible. It's helped me understand how deeply I love my children...all of them, and how connected to them I am...and how grateful I am for the knowledge that I will be with them in the life hereafter.

A painfully deep lesson to learn...wrapped in love from God.

Excerpt from the Book of Jake year 2000

2012-02-22T17:11:00.002-08:00

Jake and his "imaginary wife" Boo Fahrner

My talents: being good at math, sports, swimming, computer and mowing the grass.

My appearance is handsome, usually wear sweats in winter and shorts in summer. I have blond hair and blue eyes. I am pretty short and skinny.

My girlfriends are Tera Street, Kara Lubbers and Sarah Hamatake. My best Friend is Derick. My first pet was a cat named Tigger.

My favorite neighbors are the Lubbers. I liked to play with the remote control cars.

My life goals are: doing building for 6 years, being a nurse for 18 years, to get married to a pretty girl, build a nice house, get a good job and have a good mission.

I want to have three kids. I am going to have a pretty wife. I'm going to take her to Golden Corral. To impress her before we get married, I'm going to show her some really good jewels and buy her a really nice ring I'm going to take her on lots of dates before we get married. I'm going to buy her some really cool lamps.

2012-01-22T20:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Jake,

You're getting a new sister-in-law! You'll love Caitlin!

I bet you saw Mike getting stuck last night in the mud! I could just hear you laughing! Just remember...I came and pulled you out last winter when you got stuck!

John is "best friends" with Addie now...that's what she told me today. John's a very patient guy.

So what's new with you? Are you dating anyone or still learning the ropes up there? ...or both!

Life is really changing around here!

Love and miss you bud!

Mom

Dear Jake...

2012-01-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Jake,

Oh how I miss that face of yours! We all loved the blankets you hugged for us and Sylvia did a great job with the monograms! Sometimes, when I think I'm doing fine, then I look at a picture of you and the aching for your hugs and just to be in your presence, comes right back. I know you found our talks annoying sometimes, but it's the part I cherish now. All the teasing took the sting out of the seriousness of what you had to go through and that you were leaving us soon.

Yes, I have 4 other boys to love and cherish as I did you...but it's not the same. No one can replace you, Jake! Sometimes you were a pain in the butt...but so was I at your age.

I wish you could share with me what you're doing now. Please keep being amazing. I'm guessing that you saw Uncle Bob come your way...now you get to see all my uncles...and some of yours. I can't be sad that you are where you need to be, but not being part of your life makes me sad. I think it always will...so I try not to go there too much.

As I reflect on 2011, I'm trying to decide if it was a good year or a bad year. Perhaps it was good and bad...Bad because you left, Good because of all the love we felt in the process and how much we have grown. Ugh...bad because you left us! My heart is still reeling from that one...yet I have never been more aware of how much God loves us...that part is also hard to forget!

So, Jake...2012 won't compare to 2011. I'm hoping we won't have the heartache we had last year, but we won't have the amazing love and miracles we saw last year either...so that part is going to have to last us a while. I hope it's not as hard to find joy this year. Some of my joy left with you, Jake...but I know there is more out there to find...and I hope it finds me!

Love you, bud! Hope Christmas was awesome for you!

Love,
Mom

A Holladay Christmas

2011-12-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

A week or so before Jake passed, I asked him if he would like to get each family member a Christmas gift. Not the usual game they would play for a while, then get tired of...but something special. He said yes. I stopped at Kohls and picked up some blankets, then with Grandma Sweet in tow, I took the blankets into Jake and told him who each one was for and he thought of them and hugged each one.

Grandma wanted one too. I hadn't bought any extras, but had a spare smaller one in my closet. She wanted it, so I handed the blanket to Jake and told him it was for grandma. He started to hug it, but remembering he called her "the kissing grandma", he gave the blanket kisses. I turned to my mom and said, "Awe...he gave you kisses!" Of course, she started bawling and ran out of the room. I told Jake I wanted kisses for my blanket too, so I returned my blanket to his arms and he gave me kisses and long hugs.

I gave the blankets to my friend, Sylvia, and she embroiderd Jake's name on a piece of one of his favorite t-shirts and the person's name it was for underneath. She waited until the 23rd to finish it...which coincidentally, was the anniversary of the day we received our special Christmas gifts last year.

After we had opened all the gifts under the tree...I heard Jake say..."What about my gifts?!" I had everyone come back to the tree and I explained Jake's gift to them. We had given a "Holladay Hug" blanket to a dear family friend right after our family trip. Sylvia thought that Zack's girlfriend, Caitlin needed to have a Holladay Hug blanket also (the pink one Zack's holding). We all hugged it before we gave it to Caitlin.

Right after Jake died, I hugged him and held him because I could finally do it without causing him so much pain. I could still feel the warmth on the back of his neck...it was almost hot to the touch. As I wore his blanket to me around my neck...I felt my neck become so warm...it was almost hot to touch. I could hear Jake say..."It may not feel like my hugs, but it's the best I can do from here!"

Today, I felt the best gift...I can feel my heart healing...wrapped in Peace and Love and it's safe. The sadness is finding its way out and the Peace is finding its way in.

Addendum: The boys love their blankets! It's so sweet to see them wrapped up in them in their beds. Guys don't want to talk much about their sad feelings. It's their way of saying, "I miss you Jake!"

My First Christmas In Heaven

2011-12-24T19:22:00.000-08:00

My First Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tears

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always more important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,

For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.Remember,

I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Until we meet again..

2011-12-14T16:41:00.000-08:00

This stone brings some closure for me...but I can't help think how different this Christmas will be. Sometimes pondering this thought makes me cry...but I try not to let it last for more than 5 minutes.

Here is the wreath and hook that someone put up. It made the difference for me...between feeling sadness and feeling love. There is a sign that says PEACE, some bells, a poinsetta and a little angel. So sweet. There were some blue lights on a battery-operated strand...but when I stopped to replace the batteries, someone had taken it. I hope it was the person that left it and not a grave robber!

Sacred Places...

2011-12-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

We often regard the places that Christ has visited as Sacred Places.
---The Holy Land
---The Sacred Grove
---Temples...and my heart

Christ has been in my heart.
He warms it.
He holds it.
He mends it.
He strengthens it.
He lives in it.

My heart is a sacred place!

The Spirit of Christmas!

2011-12-04T20:38:00.000-08:00

Dave and I went to visit Jake's grave site today to check to see if the stone was on yet. To our surprise, someone had left a beautiful wreath on a hook, a little angel, a sign that said "Peace" and some jingles hanging also on the post.

Instead of sadness...I felt love.

The Spirit of Christmas!

Who knew that would be the stitches to hold together a broken...but grateful heart!

Thank you!

2nd Visit

2011-11-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

I stopped again, at the saddest place I've ever been...in my heart and in this world...Jake's grave site. The base stone is in and the headstone is coming soon...a sad reminder of who I'm missing.

How I wish I couldn't relate to others who have buried a child!

Oh, Jake! I know you are in a fabulous place...but when will my heart stop hurting so? Does time heal all wounds? If it does...let's let time speed to that place where my heart doesn't ache so much when I think of the fact that I won't get to talk to you for a long, long time...when thoughts of the love and the Jake and Mom bonding time we are missing doesn't bring tears and silence of words because I am too choked up or crying.

You know, I don't live in that sad place all the time...just when I reflect and ponder.

Jake, you're pretty great with computers. Could you sign me up for Heaven Skype...life time membership? I just want to talk to you and see what you've been up to. I want to know who you hang out with, where you have visited, who you've met and what you're doing now. Are you dating anyone? I know there are lots of beautiful girls up there!

How are you? Do you miss us too, or is it different because you can see us? I still love the banter between me and the boys...but we sure miss your input! You are just so funny! You're one of a kind, Jake! We are just trying to get along without you!

You've probably seen that John and Zack got jobs and Zack found himself a girlfriend! Don't worry, I think John and Mike will tease her enough for you....Caitlin!...I love you! I'll make sure they say that for you! I'm sorry she didn't get to know you, Jake! She would love you too!

You know what's weird? When I go shopping, I have to think about who I'm buying stuff for! You know that some of the groceries were you're favorites or your requests. When I'm putting stuff in the cart I have to think...now who is it that likes this? There seems to be a lot of unopened boxes of Lucky Charms in the food storage room. I guess when Mike brings all his friends over and wants to feed them, I'll tell them they can have Lucky Charms.

Let me know when you get that Heaven Skype up and running, will you?
I miss you, bud! Sometimes more that my heart can hold.

Big Mommy Hug!

Still life to live...

2011-11-18T21:13:00.000-08:00

My heart does not live in sadness...but when I see pictures of those beautiful blue eyes or ponder on the sweet memories of Jake, gratitude for those times does not yet outweigh the emptiness of thier departure...but some day ...they will. So we focus on not letting the awesomeness of today get lost in the sadness of yesterday...so my new profile pic is no longer who I miss, but who I still hug every night...because there is still life to live and love to give.

1st Visit

2011-11-09T21:12:00.000-08:00

Today, I stopped to visit Jake's grave for the first time today. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness...a sad reminder that I won't be talking to my boy for a long time. Sections of dead grass to mark the spot and a small stick with his name...well part of his name...you can just read Charles Holladay...so I hope the monument people aren't confused when they set the stone next week.

The social worker stopped in Friday to see how we were doing. She asked what was the hardest part for me...I said talking about it...reliving the pain. I guess when you live with someone for 20 years...you get used to having them around. We all miss him...alot

A month ago today...

2011-10-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

A month ago today, about the same hour as I am typing this blog update, I was sitting in Jake's room listening to his labored breathing. His nurse was there...she had told me a couple hours prior that Jake would not be here much longer. I asked her if I should call Dave...he would be home in a couple hours anyway...she said I should call. Dave left his work immediately and was there with Jake as he passed from this life to the next.

I told Jake it was ok to go...he would be pain free. What would feel worse for me...having Jake in excruciating pain, or not seeing Jake for a long, long time. The house and yard were full of spirits waiting for Jake. I couldn't walk to the kitchen without walking through spirits. The feeling was amazing, calm and so much love! As his breathing stopped, I held him tight...finally I could hold him and hug him without causing him pain and discomfort. His neck was so warm, it was hard to believe that his spirit had left. Yet my head on his chest, no beating heart, no labored breathing, no wincing in pain...I could still feel him there. So I told him it was an honor to be his mother...and I heard his voice say...It was an honor to be your son!

Ripples...

2011-10-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

You never know how your life will affect another persons. It may be something you say to them, or it could be just the way you live, what you believe or in Jake's case, the way you pass on to your new life. This is the touching story of someone who let goodness back in their life:

Hi Rose!
You and I don't know each other but...
I would like to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I can only imagine. Best wishes for you and your family.

The reason I am writing you is to tell you how much Jake and Mike have impacted my life. I never met Jake, but through him my life has been changed.

For a long time I was really struggling with a lot of things. Lots of self pity, Lots of why me, and lots and lots of sin. I would describe myself as hard hearted, to say the least. I didn't want anything to do with church, the atonement, the Savior, eternal family, none of it. When I think back to who I was and how I felt just a few weeks ago I cringe. I never want to be that person again.

This is the part that you get involved. You and sweet Michael. I knew a little about the situation, and really felt sympathy for your family. Which was strange because I hadn't felt anything but selfish and greedy feelings for countless months. It was nice to worry about someone other than me.

One night I was whining to Mike about trivial things in my life. He was very sweet about it but basically told me to stop whining and realize the beauty in life. We talked about him and his faith. A lot about life, God, death, family. Things of that nature.

Through Mikes faith when Jake left, I really started to remember what it was like to have faith in something. He would tell me that everything was going to be okay, because he knew that this separation was temporary. That he had an eternal family and would one day be with him again.

That night, I sat and I cried for hours. It was the first time I had felt emotion like that in a long time, and it felt good. Something about this situation softened my soul to the point that I could feel again, something positive. Just a little at first, but growing steadily. It was enough of a shock to me that I wanted nothing to do with the person that I was. I wanted to be different, and better.

I went back to church again because of it. I haven't missed a week since. I have started repenting because of your boys. All of this is with the most honest and pure intentions I have ever felt, because I want an eternal family too. I want to have the faith that goodbye is not goodbye, but a see you later.

Rose, I really can't begin to explain how different things have been. I don't know how you feel, but I do know, that if nothing else, I want to raise my children like you have raised yours. To rely on faith, and the Atonement, the plan of salvation, and most importantly to trust God. I don't think you will ever know how many people have been effected by the good example your boys have set. I am forever thankful. I was telling my Bishop in one of our weekly meetings of Jake and what really was my wake up call, and how I really wish that it had been different for your family. I didn't understand why, and he told me ever so sweetly, that heaven needed a hero.

Jake’s Cancer Journey…Part 3

2011-10-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

Well, that didn’t work out the way I intended! I can't say it didn't work out the way I had hoped...because I hoped for what was best for Jake and that is what I got.

I wondered why God just didn’t tell me that all the treatments weren’t going to cure his cancer…that ultimately; physical death was the final cure for his pain, tumors and to become cancer free. I’ve come to understand that the whole journey is a process. If those parts could have been left out, they would have. Each experience has a purpose. Some are to help others through their journey…not necessarily to make it easier for them, but for them to experience everything God has planned for them to experience…for their learning and growth…to complete their earthly experience. Ours is not to ask why, for it is not God’s purpose for us to understand all things in this life. But ours is to live our lives just as God intended, touching other’s in ways that will impact them for good.

We always hope that we are doing it right. We hope that we are there to impact the right people at the right time. It doesn’t always mean that we live the lives we have dreamed for ourselves. In fact, more likely, it means we live the lives we never dreamed for ourselves.

I think the media tries to dictate who we should be and how we should feel when certain things happen in your life. …so I expected a lot of grief and tears, emptiness and sorrow, tremendous loss, disappointment and days of depression. But that’s not how I feel at all! I’m disappointed I don’t get to see or hug Jake, or talk to him like we used to. There’s no teasing or laughing at each other’s jokes. He doesn’t stand in the dark and try to scare me at the bottom of the stairs, or sneak up on me while I’m in the laundry room. While looking at him in his casket, I was hoping that he would open his eyes or grab my hand and scare the crap out of me…then hug me and tell me that everything was ok now. I would have punched him for scaring me, (an uncontrolled reflex!) then hugged him for a very long time.

What I feel is peace. Every parent wants their kids to move on when they are adults and that’s what Jake did…just not in the way I was expecting. I’m sure he’s going to school, taking classes, meeting lots of pretty girls, dating and having the time of his life. He too is sad that we have lost the communication system we had going here, but our love still binds our hearts together…I feel him close all the time…so I’m not missing him like I thought I would. Perhaps if he left completely and quickly, I would feel the emptiness and tremendous loss…but what I feel is that he continues on…living his life where I can not see or share.

I also feel a great relief of stress and worry and time and heartache. My heart no longer breaks… because the pain is gone from Jake, and therefore it is gone from mom. It surprises me, a little, how connected to his pain I was…because of the immense peace I felt when it was over.

Most of my grief and crying was done in anticipation, before he passed. And there was much of it. Now…we are adjusting…we are fine.

Grateful, I am, knowing where he is. I don’t feel comfortable or truthful saying that I have lost my son. He is not lost to me or to God. He is right where he is suppose to be, doing what he’s suppose to do…finally!

I’m happy for him, as I would be for a son who got accepted into a prominent institution of higher learning and had to go away for more schooling…and oh, the things he will learn! Fabulous travel experiences, incredible teachers, awesome friends, dating experiences, love…endless possibilities! They will love him there as we loved him here! He will make them laugh with his Jake-isms and he will love his life!

Jake, I hope you find your niche in the place where you now reside. I hope whoever your companions are there can help you see your awesomeness…in a way you were never able to see it here. Your sacrifice and love here was nothing less than amazing. May you recognize all of the gifts God has bestowed upon you and use them wisely. May you find the love of your life in your travels…you know, the girl that makes you smile when you talk about her, the one who you can’t wait to see and share with, the one who loves to hold your hand and make you laugh! The one who makes you want to live better! The one you will hold in your heart forever! The one you can’t wait for me to meet!

May the time between our hugs be long enough, but seem short. You are in my heart…always!

Love you bud!

Mom

Per your request...

2011-10-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

Below is a copy of the talk I gave at Jake's funeral...

Jacob Charles Holladay

Jacob Charles Holladay was born at 12:34 p.m. on that beautiful day of April 19, 1991. Jake made that journey into this world with his brother and best friend, John Matthew. They were 5 lbs 4 oz when they were born…tiny, adorable little guys.

They loved their walkers! They were sitting up and scooting around in them at four months. With two of them, it was like bumper cars in our West Valley home. I had to put Jake in blue or the darker color to tell him apart from John…or Matt as we called him then. Jake had the purple binky holder and Matt had the red one. Who do you love, Jake? Mamamamama.

Our favorite neighbors lived across the street. Kara and Rachael would often come steal Jake and Matt from our house. Sunday dinners were a tradition at the Lubbers house. We told the boys that cauliflower with cheese on it was candy so they would eat it. Mike would tell them not to tap on the glass of the fish tank…so of course that would be the first thing they would do. Trudy would make these fabulous brownies for Sunday dinner, then she would wrap the leftovers in plastic wrap and put them in the freezer. If the boys ever went missing…I had a pretty good idea where to find them…The boys would help each other push a chair over to the fridge so they could raid the brownie stash.

One hot summer day, Mike found them streaking in his back yard, through the sprinklers. Another time, they thought it would be a good idea to throw bricks at a neighbor’s car window! Thank goodness for homeowner’s insurance and understanding neighbors!

Jake was always willing to help Matt out when he could. At age 4, Matt got something in his eye when we were building our home in Lehi. I took them to the Moran Eye Center to have it checked. During an eye exam, the doctor was showing Matt pictures, instead of letters, because he couldn’t read yet. The first picture was kind of abstract…Matt was staring at it, trying to figure out what it was and Jake leaned over and whispered…”It’s a cake!”

The boys shared everything…from food, to clothes, to friends. They shared a special brother bond…especially this past year. Any time there was a chance to see each other when John lived in St. George was met with much anticipation. Both John and Zack would spend time talking with Jake about anything besides cancer…just what Jake needed. They were always willing to take Jake to any of his appointments or even stay the night with him in the hospital. They gladly carried him in his wheelchair to the beach to see the ocean. The helped him walk from place to place…always with a shoulder to lean on. Our last family camp out, they all stayed in the tent with Jake and took care of him…allowing the brother bonding to seal itself forever.

Although Mike and Spencer were not as close in age and thus, not as close, he loved them and always prayed for them…especially if they were not in the family prayer circle on Tuesday nights.

Tuesday nights…Jake’s prayer day. Seven family members, seven days to take turn praying. Jake’s day was Tuesday. I will miss that. The sweet prayers and the hugs.

The boys came to dread the words “Father Son Bonding Time”…because that meant they had to do some hard chore with dad! Dave followed the example of his own dad and loved teaching the boys all the mechanical and electrical things they would need to know as men. He also loved to play with the boys as much as mom would allow! He loved gaming with them, taking them shooting, camping…especially the “boys only” trips! I was reminded recently of one time the boys came home and the wind had blown Jake’s tent, my sleeping bag and Jake’s Game Boy into the fire pit. They were on a hike at the time and when they came back…there was not much left. Jake didn’t much care that my sleeping bag was burned up…but he was pretty bummed about losing his Game Boy!

And then there is Austin…his brother from another mother. Austin has been his friend since they met at 4 years old. When discussing where Jake wanted his belongings to go, the first person Jake was concerned about was Austin. Jake spent many nights sleeping at Austin’s house…on his floor or on his bed. Many a time Austin has come and played his guitar for Jake. He paid the extra $100 for Jake to have the bike he wanted for his last birthday...then he bought himself a bike so he could go with Jake on his bike rides. Austin could love Jake no more than if he were his own brother…and so he was. His family took his lead and also loved Jake as one of their own. (Of course, it was a package deal…Jake and John). Karen did all she could to help Jake get better…because she loves my son as much as I love hers.

Kyle…his other brother from another mother…is serving an honorable mission in Oklahoma. He knows that as much as we would love him to be here…Jake knows that he loves him. Jake would pray for him every Tuesday, as we all do every night. We are sad that the timing is such that Kyle couldn’t be here with us…but we feel his love…miles away.

We are grateful for all the “pretty girls” in his life. Those who came and spent time with him, even if they did make him watch chick flicks! There are those who held his hand and helped steady him as he walked. Those who made him laugh. Some gave him kisses and hugs. There are those he befriended from the internet…from one coast to the other. He loved talking to the girls! Most wanted the honor of meeting him and getting a “Jake” hug. It was so sweet of Kayli to take him on his only date! …one he has never forgotten. She may not have been his true love, but she was a true friend!

Broken things…I recall coming home from Girl’s Camp one year and my sister had stayed with the kids. She was holding Jake, who had just run into the metal part of the door and split his head open just below his eyebrow. I tried to start the van to take him to the Urgent Care, but it wouldn’t start…so Angie came to my rescue and she hauled two of her youngest with Jake and I to the doctors to get him stitched up. Jake was fine…but the doctor made me leave because I was the one crying.

Another time when Uncle Mark was visiting us with his family, Jake and John were running to the bathtub and Jake slid…only to be stopped by the cool white ceramic toilet bowl on his chin…more stitches…..Oh, correction from John…He didn’t slide…he was pushed!

I wonder if Jake volunteered to take the most pain in the family…a year of chemo, radiation and those ugly, nasty tumors.

I’ve shared this with some of you, but for those who haven’t heard…God sometimes shares with me slivers of time…glimpses of life before I was born here. One such glimpse was when I was asked if I would accept the job of helping Jake through this part of his journey. I was warned that it would be very hard, but God promised me he would be with me every step of the way. I kept my promise to help Jake through this…and God kept His promise…every second of it! He poured out so many blessings upon me and my family…I gave up trying to keep track of them all…many more blessings than tumors. Many of those blessings came from the hands and the generosity of you…here. Some came from the hearts of those who didn’t even know us, but knew of us…How tender of the boys of one of my racquetball buddies who sold flowers at Mother’s Day and donated the money to Jake! I don’t think any of those sweet boys ever met Jake…yet still they gave.

I’ve gotten many remarks: Not fair, didn’t get to live his full life, horrible year for you…

All partially true statements. Not fair? Nowhere in my book of life did it say that Life was going to be fair. We do get our fair share of challenges…and would we want to trade with anyone else…absolutely not!

Didn’t get to live his full life? Absolutely, he did! He did not live the life you or I or even he dreamed for himself…but he did live the life he was meant to live…for the time he was meant to live it. Many times…these past few weeks, God would tell me…”Don’t worry about it! I’ve got it handled! Everything is right on schedule! Everything is going according as planned!”

In the very beginning God told me that I had said I wanted what was best for Jake…no matter the outcome. Indeed I did want that! The faith I had to have to trust…that this was the best for Jake! He also said I would like the outcome...Jake passing was not the part I like…but that was not the end, not the outcome God was referring to.

At times I felt this was my Abraham experience…how far did I have to go? How much was God going to require of me? Would I have to truly lay Jake on the alter? Would He actually take him back? Could I do all that I had promised I would do?

Horrible year…some parts, yes, but also a year of unforgettable love and service…to Jake and to our family. Not an unkind word from brothers…just loving kindness and service, unconditional love…15 months of it. I learned to find Joy in places I never looked before! Prayers from around the world focused on our little family! The strength I felt has been nothing less than amazing! So much strength that many times, it was my time to reach out and strengthen others.

President Reins (religious leader) called us in to talk about how we were doing with Jake’s failing health…I thought he was going to tell us we have used up our allotted acts of kindness…because there were so many! They didn’t decrease, they increased! I feel like we hit the Lottery of Love and Compassion! It was like God was saying…you thought that was awesome…just wait till you see what’s next!

The last week or so of Jake’s life was so heart breaking for me. I was doing what I promised…taking care of him, yet every touched caused him immense pain! Some may ask, Were we not good enough to have our prayers answered? Did we not have enough faith to heal the sick? Have all our prayers gone unanswered? Why would God let this happen to such a young man? I believe with all my heart, that I could have walked in Jake’s room one morning and all of the tumors could have disappeared and Jake would have been good as new…IF that was the best thing for Jake. I believe that you are GOOD enough, had enough faith, and each prayer was heard and answered with the very thing Jake needed. My prayer was not to heal Jake, but mine was that whatever was best for Jake would happen…and that I could live with it. Cured of cancer? Yes he was! Pain taken away! Absolutely! Miss him? More than words and tears can express.

He won! Jake played the game of Life and he beat us all! You’re still here…BE AWESOME!

Though the heavens wept this morning…they were not weeping for sadness, they were weeping for Joy…because Jake was theirs again!

Thank goodness for our free agency…because we have choices! We can choose to only see the bad or the hard stuff and live in sorrow, grief, anger and pain…or we can choose to acknowledge the hard stuff and remember the love, the kindness, the abundance of tender mercies and live in peace and happiness, hope and faith.

I'm Free

2011-10-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

I'm following the path God laid for me,

I took His hand when I heard Him call

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way

I found that peace at the close of the day

If my parting has left a void

Then fill it with a remembered joy

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

Oh yes, these things I too, will miss!

Be not burdened with times of sorrow

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much...

Good friends, good times a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief

Lift up your hearts and peace to thee

God wanted me now, He set me free.

Given to us on a plaque by the Lubber's Family

I can't believe it's been a week!

2011-10-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been a week already! Jake has been with me since his spirit left his body...until 2:30 this morning! I woke up...and he had gone. I seem to hear his guide say..."It's time to leave her, Jake! She's going to be ok now...just let go of her heart. I promise it won't break if you let go." ...and then he let go...my heart kept beating...still in one piece. He left to go do whatever he is suppose to do now.

I recall when Jake was 6 and I was going into labor with Spencer. He hated seeing me in pain. He held my hand...it was all I could do not to crush is little hand each time a contraction came. He watched my face and listened for my breathing to increase...then he would grab my hand.

I left the house for the first time Monday. The viewing was amazing! So many hugs! My friends did an awesome job setting up pictures, had music

Beautiful flowers!

Beautiful casket spray designed and created by my SisNlaw, Janet

White Cali Lilies for peace

While roses for heaven

6 red roses for the ones he left behind

1 red rose in the middle...because Jake is still part of us

made with love, sweat and tears!

The funeral started with the fire alarm going off for some time...before we could start. We found that amusing! Zack read the obituary, then he and John told of the Jake-isms we remembered. The one I forgot to include is how he would sit downstairs, in the dark and wait to scare me. The bigger the scream, the bigger the accomplishment! I think they would rate them...a good scream was about a 6 and a scream and a punch was a 9! He would often bleat my name like a sheep...Maaaam, Maaaam! I can't beleive he got John to do the "Jake" dance! Jake couldn't lift his feet too well from some of the chemo he got...so he made up his own little dance. All the boys would stand in a line and do it...so funny!

I somehow found the strength to talk at his funeral. I will post that talk later, for those who weren't able to hear it.

The brothers, uncles, friends and best friend's dads carried him to the hurst and to his final resting place at the Lehi Cemetary...in our newly acquired deeded property.

Even in this saddest day of our lives...lots of love in the Holladay Family!

Greatful for my awesome guys!

My RS Peeps

A few (not all) of the awesome friends who put everything together!

Our friend, Rich, who played some amazing guitar while we ate our fabulous luncheon!

Lucky Charms was Jake's gaming name and gummy sharks were his favorite treat. I don't know how they got these, but someone printed out the Lucky Charms label and found all these small boxes of cereal and put them on every table! My friends are the coolest!

So many hugs! So many friends, neighbors and family here for our support! Flowers...so many beautiful flowers! We have them in every room...even the bathroom!

We thank everyone for the love and kindness and your support during this sad time for us. Even my racquetball buddies came and my Biggest Loser Team and trainer! Friends and neighbors came from near and far to show their love and support for Jake and our family...not to mention the valet guy from Primary Childrens, some of the nurses, the sweet lady who ran the parent support group, all of Dave's work buddies/bosses, old friends from old neighborhoods and college, old friends from high school...I bet if I asked all of my best friends to raise their hands...half the audience would have. You guys are amazing!

Jacob Charles Holladay Obituary

2011-09-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

Jacob Charles Holladay

Obituary

Born April 19, 1991, in Salt Lake City, Utah with his best bud, John Matthew Holladay. He was one of 5 boys in the Holladay family. Those left behind are his parents, David Owen and Rose Sweet Holladay, brothers Zachary, John, Michael and Spencer Holladay…and their dog, Molly. Best friends that were like brothers from other mothers…Austin Buchanan and Kyle Joyner.

Jake returned to his Father in Heaven on September 29, 2011...a joyous day for him…a sad day for us. So happy he is finally free from the awful pain that came with cancer…but we will miss him more than we can express in words.

Jake was diagnosed with cancer on June 15, 2010. Later we learned it was called Rhabdomyosarcoma (we never heard of it either!) He started chemo in July, radiation in August, surgery the following June, endured many pokes and pricks and lots of sick days and hospital stays. He was just applying for college when it all started. Too sick for school or work, he spent his last year recuperating and enjoying life as much as he could.

As bad as cancer is…the tender mercy it provides is time to say good-bye, time to make more loving memories, time to serve and love, time to laugh, time for extra kisses and hugs, time to bond and seal in our hearts the love and memories we have of Jake.

Jake lived only 20 short years. He loved to laugh and make others laugh. He was a good listener to all of his “girl” friends. He loved being in the mountains, four wheeling, fishing, hacky sack, shooting with dad, paintballing, laser tag, golf, gaming sleepovers…hanging with his bros and buds and pretty girls. Jake would meet friends all over the country through gaming…of course he liked the girls the most. He was always texting them and helping them through their challenges. Jake was known for being a great friend.

Those who preceded him in death are his Grandpa, John C Holladay, Uncles John and Don Holladay, cousin Thomas Sweet, most recently a favorite great Uncle Jack Bailey…and a cat named Tigger (but we didn’t tell him he died, we just said he ran off! Maybe he knows now!)

Jake, your little hand prints are in stone in the garden.

I’m sure there are more handprints on the walls downstairs…and your love is imprinted in our hearts…forever. Thank you for loving us and making it easy for us to love you. You are one awesome Holladay! We are proud to call you brother, son and friend! Our love will always transcend the veil of this earth. Thank you for watching over us as we try to find our way without seeing you around…without feeling your hugs. Peaceful journey, my son.

Funeral services will be held Tuesday, October 4, 2011, 11:00 a.m. Viewing October 3^rd, 6:30-8:30 p.m. 1200 East 2178 North, Lehi, UT

Surrounded by Angels

2011-09-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

All this week I have seen and felt angels around the house...and around me when I was at the temple. There were angels on the roof tearing off the old stuff, and then later putting on a fabulous new roof that will keep us dry and protect us for years to come. Angels brought us food, snacks and fed those giving us service. Angels brought tools to accomplish the magnificent task set before them. Angels came and held my hand and helped me clean and get things back in order. One beautiful little angel sat at at my counter and circled all the toys she wanted in the ToysRUs ad...making sure I saw every one of them. Another tiny angel came and snuggled my heart...and drooled and spit. Still another, fresh from heaven came with a baby snuggle, a smile and a burp. Little short angels came and jumped on our trampoline and reminded me what it was like to hear the laughter of children. Then there were those beautiful children and young men and women who came and helped clean up the mess the men were making...and one brave young man was not afraid to jump down in the window well and dig out the years of kids throwing their wrappers and popcicle sticks there...inspite of the spiders! There were angels who tore off my broken shutters. Unable to find the right size or style to replace them...another angel had stored exactly what I needed in his garage, for five years...so it could show up for me when I needed it. Not being the right color, angel Randy took the shutters to his home and painted them...with the paint that was still good...after 16 years of sitting in my garage! Still, another angel took to putting up doggie prison bars in the two places my dog has been digging and were blocked by boards we had stuck there last winter.

I told one friend...When we first moved here, Dave and I put the roof on and I was the one who painted the shutters and the door. I am the one who pulls the weeds, mows the lawn, takes care of the garden and the house. Now I look at my house and see the love written all over it...and it warms my heart.

God bless you for your service and love to us.

Happy and Sad at the same time!

2011-09-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

Here's an update from after our trip.

Traveling is very uncomfortable for Jake. Anything but lying down with his legs propped up is a painful experience. Even carrying him from room to room is too painful. Everywhere we touch is pained with tumors...except his feet, hands and face. He still winces when I plant a big wet kiss on his forehead. When I asked him what he wanted today, listing off food items first, he whispered he didn't want anything, so I said, "A kiss?" His eyes went all wide and he pulled back a little! I had a good laugh at that! Still my Jakey!

The last two days he has spent most of sleeping. He doesn't eat much...I think the last thing he ate was some soup our friend Jodie brought over on Monday. The rest is drinking juice. He has been sleeping with his mouth open and that makes his mouth very dry...(all of his grandparents sleep with their mouths open so he didn't stand a chance! haha)

I tried to get him on a morphine drip to help with the pain. He didn't want anything to do with IV's, and when the nurse didn't get the first try to work...he wouldn't let her try again. ...so he manages his pain with pills and I told him when he is tired of the pain, we can hook him up.

I try to look for the good times to have some serious talks about if he has any preferences on funeral stuff, head stones, etc. My favorite was: I win! You're still in the game. Be Awesome! It reminds me of the game of LIFE. Who ever gets to the mansion first with the most, wins! He must have found one quick short cut to the finish!

I told my friend today I have come full circle with Jake. Back to changing diapers, feeding and bathing and trying to make him smile. When you are birthing, every contraction you feel...you wonder if this is it...is this the start of the birth! Now with each thing Jake is going through I wonder...is this it? Is this his time to go...to start his new life...the life I don't get to see anymore?

People have asked if I want Hospice to come in and help. I'm not sure what they would do better than I can. When the twins were born, I knew there was no one in this world more fit to take care of my three boys, 22 months and under, than I was. I had all of the equipment, the patience and the love that they needed. Now I feel the same way about Jake. I picture Christ washing the feet of his disciples...wasn't it Peter who wanted him to wash all of him? It's an honor to take care of Jake. Why would I want to pass that on to anyone else? I'm not stressed out about it. It doesn't make me overly tired...I have the equipment, the patience and the love that he needs. Some say that the hospice people can help me get through it easier. God is helping me right now...I don't think anyone can do a better job than Him. I don't feel the need to pay people to be nice to us...I have the most awesome friends and family already! Strangers have shown us much kindness! Even the guy who parks our car at the PCMC valet service (Daniel) prays for us all the time.

Our doctor is awesome about answering questions and keeping in touch and making Jake as comfortable as possible. She lets me take as much time as I want...even if I'm just telling her something funny that Jake said. Thanks for your concern and compassion, Dr. Wright! You are awesome!

We are doing fine! I try not to look like the person who is waiting for her son to die...although after missing a days shower, a guy at the gym told me I didn't look too great! What...I wanted to get my workout in before I showered! We are all trying to live in a happy state. There will be plenty of time after Jake is gone to be sad. It is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. I have to look a little harder to find joy...but it can be done...I asked God to help me see it...and He did.

Good information to know:

If you want to visit Jake (and we welcome visitors...just not a ton at a time) he is usually willing to sit up and talk late afternoon to evening. Mornings he has been sleeping...alot. I don't expect to even get coherent words out of his mouth until maybe 1:00 pm. Note: Jake especially loves it when the girls (not the Mrs. kind) come visit!

Jake can't digest much food, and like I said, he has just been drinking these past few days...so if you are making a special treat for him, please don't be offended if he doesn't eat any of it. Brothers have no problem taking care of the treats for Jake...it's a service they are happy to render!

If you want to do something, but you don't know what would be helpful, please feel free to call, text or comment. I won't ask...even if you tell me to...but if you ask me I'll let you know. If you're too far away, prayers are always welcome! We are praying that Jake can be out of pain and be at peace. Everyone has been so awesome already! We wish you many blessings for your kindness to us!

Thanks for your interest in Jake and our family.

Cali trip part 2...

2011-09-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

We finally talked Jake into going to the beach. Someone suggested LaJolla Beach because it was wheelchair friendly. It took us forever to find it...didn't quite leave early enough in the day. Getting this crew in the car at the same time is like herding cats!

It was very touching to see these guys pick up Jake's chair at the end of the ramp and just carry him the rest of the way.

I'm not exactly sure what these guys are posing for...silly boys!

Look, Fern and Carrie! The boys are playing with the toys you brought us! No one was too bored that they colored in the cowboy coloring book, though! The board John is holding is a skimming board. You run, throw the board on the water and jump on it and skim across the water. John was the best at it, Zack got a few good runs on it. I tried it...it's harder than it looks. The first beach we tried it at had too many rocks. This one was perfect!

Spencer looks on as John gives Zack skimming lessons.

There's how you do it!

Zack got some good rides in!

This as good as it was going to get for Jake.

One of Jake's many funny faces.

The saddest thing for me was that Jake would love to be skimming or making the sand castles or tossing the football with the guys...but he can just sit and watch...very uncomforable for him.

But still...

We have been so blessed by the generosity of friends, family and strangers. We might not have had the fancy food of a cruise, but the boys got the food the love the most...and I didn't have to cook most of it! Jake loved being in California with us. I got a little girl time in...nice run on the beach, some nice Jacuzzi time with Dave and Spencer, sweet one on one time with my Jakey!

Families can be together Forever!

Cali trip part one...

2011-09-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

Just before we left, Stacy and Brook brought this box of Lucky Charms to Jake! Lucky Charms is his game name. Funny!

The plane ride to California was pretty hard on Jake. Sitting is not one of his most comfortable positions. The TSA frisked him going through security. I wonder what they thought he was hiding in his tumors.

Monday...everyone was so tired from travel we just recooped. We had the dinner the Beehives made us and it was yummy! Jake had seconds...which is very unusual for him.

Of course, what trip would be complete without closing the Murphy bed with Mike still in it?!

Tuesday, we walked over to Denny's for breakfast (Thanks Timpsons!), then Jake and John took off to meet Ashley in Alpine. I guess they had a good visit. I forgot to pack my swim suit so I had to hunt down a replacement. Went to Walmart...nothing but bottoms! Hmmmm!

Wednesday we finally went to play in the ocean. My friend Missy and her son Andrew brought beach chairs, snacks, CC cookies, boogie boards and toe nail polish and met us Wednesday morning. Jake was so wiped out from his trip on Tuesday (forgot to take his pain pills with him) that he stayed in bed all day. Dave stayed with him and the rest of us headed for the beach. It turns out that Missy is a singer and has 4 or 5 CD's out. She's the lead singer (beautiful voice)..at least she was until she moved to California. Anyway...we had a great time at the beach Wednesday!

Andrew taught John how to boogie board. The rest of the boys were too chicken to get in the water. John and Andrew had a blast!

Zack combed the beach for babes!

Spencer was "digging it"!

Mike enjoyed finding treasures on the beach.

Missy covered my bruised toe with pretty pink toenail polish!

Missy and Jake

Our niece, Dana, brought her two older kids to see Jake for a few minutes. That was a great way to end a fabulous day!

Jake is having a difficult time. Every day is worse...but today, we are going to try and take him to the beach! Words cannot express the gratitude we feel for all who donated to make this trip possible. Thanks you sooo, sooo much!

I walked in and laid on the bed by Jake. I was going to talk to him about something...but forgot what I was going to say.

Me: I must be getting Alzhiemers...what was your name again?

Jake: Hehe....No, that's my name! Hehe

Me: Cool! I'm going to call you that for the rest of the trip!

Brothers by birth...

2011-09-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

...Friends by choice.

It is often tender the way John takes care of Jake when they are together...

MRI results...

2011-08-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

We spent a very long time at the hospital yesterday...basically getting 2 MRI's. I wanted to see how extensive the tumor growth was in his abdomen and back. The good news is, there was only one tumor close to his spine...bad news...the tumor has grown back where the first was removed and it is bigger than the first...in just 7 weeks time!

Thank you so much for the fasting and prayers...amazing, amazing strength to get through this! A friend of mine told me that she could feel that my heart was very strong. I told her...only because God is holding it in his hands.

Family Trip update: We could not wait on passports to take the cruise, so again we are going to Plan B! My sister was able to find us a condo in Oceanside, CA. We will fly there in a few weeks...some of the boys will have to drive down. We may just end up hanging out at the beach or in the condo...either way...Family bonding! My boys are a hoot when they are all together...with no electronics! They just feed off each other till they have us laughing and coming up with new family funnies!

Remember I said it had been a long time since I had felt Joy? I heard Jake laughing several times today...that brought me joy! See, she was there! I just had to look a little deeper to find her!

Family trip!

2011-08-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

My sister posted this on Facebook! Very sweet!

for all of you in facebook land i want to share a very special family with you- please go to www.forthesakeofjake.blogspot.com -this is my sisters (Rose) son, we would like to give them some time for memories together, jake would like to go on a cruise- i have found one for 2000.00 for thier family of 7. if anyone feels like they can help donate to this vacation for them, we would appreciate it.

there will be additional costs for gas and hotel to and from L.A. We know that they have felt your prayers and have been blessed by all those who give them service and a listening ear- it is such a small thingto us- thanks to all who have blessed thier lives. contact me if you are able to donate, there is also a way to donate on for the sake of jake, but i don't know if you can earmark it for the vacation.

Note from Rose: You can donate through this blog but Pay Pal keeps a percentage of it. I spoke with all the schools (except UVU) and they are willing to work with Mike and Spencer to keep them from falling behind.

It's too painful for Jake to walk, so we will need to get him a wheel chair. He is very excited to go! The tumors are going crazy! There are too many for me to count now. He has lots of swelling. We have cut out the sweets and pretty much fed him fresh foods but something is making those tumors spread like wild fire! Crazy!

Our family and friends are very sweet. Every kind gesture is noticed and appreciated. I'm sorry if I don't get every single tender mercy a Thank You note...but know that we are grateful...please!

Doctor's visit...

2011-08-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

I know people can't help but call to see what's going on with Jake...so let me give it to you from the horses mouth...sorta speak...maybe more like a pretty lion...haha.

We went to see Jake's Hem/Onc doctor at Primary Children't today. I was afraid of what she might say or confirm, but mainly I wanted to see what was going on with the tumor in his chest/back area that was giving him so much pain. I didn't want the doctor to steal any hope I had for Jake's recovery.

I asked her...if it was her son, what treatment would she suggest. She said that she didn't think the chemo would work at this point. He could have it if he wanted to try it, and it may prolong his life for a time...but to feel like crap the whole extended time...was it really worth it to Jake (we all know the answer to that!).

She is concerned about the back pain so she suggested doing an MRI on Thursday to see what the tumor is doing. If it's pushing on his spine too much, it could paralyze him and he would lose urine control. That's definitely not a fun way to live the rest of your life.

Since the tumors have not invaded any of his other organs...she believes he perhaps has 3 months left...could be more...could be less.

My hope is that perhaps these essential oils will help. Jake said he is willing to take them as many times as he needs to (in otherwords, more than three times a day). We will give them a try for a couple weeks to see if there is any significant change.

In the mean time...John, Zack and Austin are trying to make life for Jake as normal and fun as possible. They talk about other stuff to keep his mind off of the painful stuff.

Me...it was all I could do to keep myself from breaking down in the clinic or on the way out. My sister-in-law made me talk to her about it after I got home...and it was therapeutic. I've got to say that there must be some awefully strong prayers in my behalf...because the strength I feel now is definitely not my own.

Carrie told me that she didn't want me to feel like I was going through this alone. I have to say...I have never felt that way through this whole ordeal! I have friends who understand that mess is stress, so they come over or call and make an appointment to come over and help me destress my house. It gives me strength to tackle the big stuff that has been left undone. People come over and steal weeds and unwanted grass out of my yard! I asked the boys whose turn it was to do the dishes...they said, "We don't know! Random people keep coming over and cleaning stuff!" Thank you so much Random People! I love and appreciate your service...more than I can express!

I was going to the gym this morning and was listening to "Oh Divine Redeemer" on the way. My heart was hurting so bad I had to hold my hand over it. Luckily, God already had it in His hands and was keeping it from completely falling apart. Lesson learned: I am not going to listen to those kind of God endearing songs for a while. He already "hears my cry"

...so this is enough "dwelling" on this sad subject. If Jake is suppose to be healed, I have no doubt that will happen. Like Abraham, I sometimes wonder how far He wants to take Jake to the alter before He says enough...and if He wants Jake back...if the best thing for Jake is to take him home...then with a broken heart that only God can heal...that's what I want too.

Jake, if the best thing for you would be to trade you places...I would do it in a heart beat!
Even if it was just for a moment...I wish you could feel how much love I have for you...from the time I felt you move in my tummy to this moment. No woman on this earth loves you more or is your biggest fan.

Again with the tumors...

2011-08-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

Jake and I counted tumors again last night...74. I didn't have the heart to tell him how many. He has a tumor that is causing him pain in his back. I believe it's the one near his lungs. He said it's pushing on his spine. Not sure what to do with that one. Seeing the doctor tomorrow. (Sigh!)

Good news...his hair has not fallen out again!

I had him off sugar and processed foods...hoping that would slow down the growth. Still going to cut back on the sugar, but at this point, he can eat whatever he wants!

Tumors...

2011-08-17T21:29:00.001-07:00

We were up to 64 tumors last week! Today, we only counted 53!
HOPE rears her pretty little head!

Jake Update...

2011-08-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

We are using essential oils to shrink the tumors. Last count, there were 52...50 we could feel, 2 we could see near his lungs on CT scan. Jake is still trying to recover from the 5 days of chemo. It apparently took a toll on his stomach. So far, his hair hasn't fallen out...again. I actually trimmed some fuzzies off today.

Chemo makes me sick...

2011-08-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

Chemo makes me sick!
I don't like it a bit!

Jake has decided that the chemo makes him so sick he doesn't want to finish it...
so we are going to try something else for a while.

Blah, blah, blah...

2011-08-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

We went to the doctors today. Chemo is the only treatment at this point. Jake is resolved to try it...along with some essential oils (possibly). If there is no improvement by the second round, we quit that and move on to something else.

I'm a little tired of writing "bummer" updates!

My apologies!

Very stressed out and overwhelmed today! I'm trying hard not to snap at my boys...

Now I need to go deal with the rest of my life...

CT results

2011-07-30T07:08:00.000-07:00

I"m in Portland, OR to pick up my mother-in-law. The doctor called me with the CT scan results. She said that, besides the 10 or so lumps we could feel in Jake's torso and legs, he had two more small tumors near his lungs (not in). Those are the two she is most worried about. She is also concerned that the tumors came back so quickly and are growing so fast.

Jake is ademate that he doesn't want anymore chemo...although that is what the doctor thinks would be the best route to get them all.

God,
Here's my heart.
It's broken.
Can you fix it?
Please hold it until it's all better.

Lumps!

2011-07-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

Before retiring to bed, Jake showed me that he had found lumps on his thighs and stomach. A wave of emotions follow me to my room as I try to stay calm and wondered if sleep would come tonight.

As I lie awake, in my bed, hope of rest floats out the window with the breeze. I finally succumbed to taking a sleeping pill with the hope that my fears would no longer weary me and peace would rest my soul until the break of dawn.

The doctor said it could be anything...not necessarily new tumors. So...another trip to the hospital.
(Sigh!)

I was right!

2011-07-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

Just talked to the doc. More radiation therapy, probably in August, which coincidentally, is when he started his first radiation therapy. I wish one of the doctors would say, "Don't worry, we can get this!"

I do have hope.
Dave gave Jake a blessing telling him that he would be healed from his cancer.
There is where my trust will lie for these next few months!

Must it be so hard?

Tender...

2011-07-08T12:13:00.001-07:00

Jake is on the right and Zack is helping him to the tent so he can lay down.

Jake was able to walk on his left leg on Thursday, but it's still a bit of a gimpy walk...unsteady.

I was so happy to see Jake walk in the door on Thursday! That means he's healing!

About 4:15 p.m., Thursday, I felt some urgency to go down the mountain and call the Urologist. I just happened to catch him before he left his office. He had the pathology report and told us that there were still live cancer cells where they removed the tumor. They won't do anything for about 6 weeks because he needs some time to heal. Monday, we should get a game plan for further treatment...our guess is more radiation therapy.

I have to say, I was hoping for the news..."We got it all out and Jake's cancer free!" I guess we always hope for the best case scenario, but...

Jake's doing well. We're not crying about it because we feel it will be fine...just more appointments to keep, more driving to Salt Lake, more bills to pay...

We are so happy that the tumor is out of his body and he is healing! It's great to see his smile and I love his skinny hugs!

Thanks for your prayers, love and support!

Looking Good!

2011-07-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

Doesn't he look great?

This is our friend, Kara, who surprised us with a visit! She used to babysit Jake and John when they were little. We just love her! It was fun walking down memory lane with her and as you can see, it was easy for her to get Jake to smile!

I guess he got some sleep last night because he was in a much better mood today. John and Zack have been staying with him at night and keeping him entertained. I love when they do brother-bonding. The sweet thing is, they are happy to do it...even though they don't get much sleep.

We've had lots of visitors! Carl and Kathryn Tucker came up, Fern, Sam, Carrie and Aaron (who brought some stuff to keep him entertained), Brett Johnson & fam, Shauna's family, Kara, grandma Sweet, the bishop, the Buchanans, Mike & Jessica, Cherie and her mom and some beautiful girls from the hospital room next door who wanted to meet Jake & bros. (Jake was so cute...the girls came late and as we were leaving, they hadn't shown up yet..."But mom! I thought the nice girls were coming!" They showed up right after we left and brought him and bros. some yummy cookies!) John said he was bringing us a cookie, but they didn't quite make it all the way home. I'll just have to imagine how good they were! :)

The Bucks gave us an awesome supply of snacks and treats to keep us through our hospital stay! (So much appreciated!)

I AM HEALING

Jake will probably be here until Monday. He is healing well. He accidently bit of a piece of his cheek (Owie!) It's too painful for hm to put any pressure on his left leg (because of the muscle removal wound). He has two wound drains that hopefully will be coming out soon...but maybe not till Wednesday. We have to come back to the hospial once a week until he is really healed well...I'm guessing for all of July.

Wednesday is when we see if they got all of the cancer out...then we might know a game plan...maybe not until we see the Hem/Onc doctor in about 3 weeks. He says his arms are really weak for the walker...maybe we'll have to borrow grandma's walker when we get home. We'll be keeping him upstairs while he heals.

Good times! Love you guys!

Thanks for loving us!

Tumorectomy!

2011-06-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have not followed Jake's progress on Facebook, Jake had his tumor removed this morning/afternoon. The doctor came about 20 min. ago and told us that the surgery was finally finished! It went very well. He did not have to have a skin graft (from his thigh) as they suspected they would need, so his healing will go much faster!

I am so relieved to have the cancer out of his body! There may be some unknown complications down the road, but we can address them as they come. Best case senario is that no more surgeries will be required and he only has to come to the hospital for check ups that have fabulous results!

I am so grateful to God for this great outcome! I am very grateful to my friends, family and strangers who fasted and prayed for Jake and for our family. I pray that this may never be your trial, but if not...my heart and new found strength is here for you to lean on.

Cancer Journey with Jake - part 3

2011-06-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

It has been a long, long journey with Jake and his cancer treatments. Some call it a battle, but for Jake and me, it’s something we endured.

I did not have to lie in bed at night, in so much pain that sleep was at a constant evader.

I did not have to have my hair fall out and never feel to eat because the taste of food was no longer a pleasure to consume.

I did not wrest in bed praying for a comfortable position that would ease the pain and let me sleep…and let me heal.

I did not suffer through radiation burns on my stomach and raw skin from the constant rubbing because of the inflamed and swollen state of different parts of my uncooperative body.

I did not feel constantly cold because I had no body fat to regulate my body temperature. I did not often fall because my knees would buckle while doing a simple task as walking. I did not endure the ridicule of thoughtless passers by.

I did not lose my stomach contents when saline was pushed into my veins.

I wasn’t imprisoned at home because of my body’s lack of immune system.

I didn’t get dizzy and have fainting spells.

I did care for this child…not a child in size, but my child…my Jake.

My discomfort was very minor compared to his.

My pain was more from a broken heart…wishing that this life lesson was not so painful for him. Hoping that whatever Jake needs to learn from this…he learns.

God told me I would like the outcome.

This is the hope He has given me.

This is what I hold on to that gets me through.

Now we have come to the final treatment plan. The tumor will be removed in 3 days. My hope is that this is the end of this journey. There is a guarantee of many more trials, much more learning, stretching…dross removal. Yet, we are never left alone. Always God is there! He has sent angels to constantly watch over us. Our ward family is always there to help us through this. There have been shoulders to cry on, hugs of comfort, love and support. Women have come into my life that share the same worries and have experienced the same heart wrenching care of their children. A friend, Randy, came over at the very beginning and shared his experience with cancer. Somehow, acknowledging our fears gave us comfort. Helping us understand what to expect…somewhat, helped. Asking questions of the doctors and having doctors that were willing to explain anything we were concerned about…they never gave us false hope…but knowing what we were dealing with was somehow more comforting than not knowing.

There is nothing like being on the receiving end of compassion to learn to have it for others. Sometimes when you feel the lack of compassion from those who you feel should show it, is what teaches you the most. When Randy was going through his cancer treatments, I did not make a lot of effort to show my support, not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t know how the best way to show it would be. They were inundated with good wishes and love from the ward and I added mine to theirs. For me, talking about what Jake was going through would make me re-live the pain, so I didn’t talk to them about what Randy was going through. Now I’m afraid it looked like I didn’t care. I did talk to Randy about it later and he was very understanding. He has been a source of hope and strength to us, even though it wasn’t his plan to be.

I’m not sure what “gird up your loins” really means, but to me, it means don’t look back. Take a deep breath, find all the strength you can muster, pray for help from God, and take a step into to muck…don’t look back, just keep trudging forward until you get through that deep patch! Never give up! Never doubt that you will make it through this! Don’t waste your time wishing for something else, just go! Don’t stop and feel sorry for yourself because the muck will engulf you and make it harder to move on. There may be times when you feel you can’t make it by yourself, but if you reach out, God will be there and He will carry you for a while, then He will teach you how to get through the muck without getting bogged down…and when you really get the hang of it, you will reach out and help others walking the same path…and soon, your hands will be His hands.

When you get through that part…you feel stronger…and although there are more mountains to climb or more muck to go through, it’s never as hard as the first time. You never have to make the journey alone and just as exercise and strength training makes your muscles stronger, exercise in faith and strength training by going and doing also makes you stronger…I’m just saying…

Surgery

2011-06-22T06:33:00.000-07:00

The surgery is scheduled for Wednesday. He will be in the hospital for about 5 days (UofU). We will find out when he gets his port out today.

Stay tuned!

What the doctors said...

2011-06-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

Very apprehensive approaching this day! The first appointment was with the Hem/Onc doctor. She wanted to show us the CT/MRI/PET scans so we could see what the tumor looked like on film. Sigh...not so pretty. You could definitely see that the tumor was live and doing well...stupid cancer!!!

The second doctor we saw was the Urologist. He looked at the scans and felt the tumor under the skin. He is going to get a couple of other doctors involved. He told us that the tumor needs to be removed (not sure why they didn't try to do this before). I think they wanted to shrink it as much as possible first.

We were hoping that some more radiation would do the trick (less invasive), but it doesn't look like that is going to be an option.

Jake will have to have a skin graft (probably from the back of one of his thighs). The doctor is very hopeful that everything will work out smoothly, but said it is too hard to know what is really going on until they actually open him up. They are looking at about a 5 day hospital stay...maybe as early as next week. He will need some reconstructive surgery, most likely. Then it will take him at least a month of taking it very easy.

Bleh!

Wasn't expecting this! Please pray they can remove this easily!

What I know is that everything happens for a reason.

What was normal like, again?

Game Plan

2011-06-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

We have to meet with the Urologist before we know what to do next. They are hoping that they can remove the tumor. I will let you know Monday night.

Good News/Bad News

2011-06-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

So I finally got a call from the Hospital with the PET scan results.

The bad news is, the tumor is stll active (Live tissue)
The good news is, it is not anywhere else in his body.

Devastating! Jake was upset, but not visably. I had to ask him how he felt because I couldn't tell by his face. He hugged me for a long time and promised he would continue to fight it. (Yesterday, he wasn't so sure he could endure much more!)

We won't know the game plan until tomorrow. I am, surprisingly, optimistic. I don't feel like this is a death sentence for Jake. I believe that there is something that will make him better...just not sure yet what it is.

I don't want anyone to feel like their prayers weren't heard by Heavenly Father! He knows what is best for Jake and I totally trust Him with Jake's life!

Your prayers have given me strength beyond any capacity imaginable! I may still cry if I talk about it, but we wll get through this. Crying doesn't mean I'm not coping...it just hurts to see your son in pain...but it's ok...I'm ok...

Thanks for loving and caring about us. I know it's frustrating not to see the results we had hoped for...but sometimes life doesn't always turn out the way you dreamed...it's a very interesting adventure!

1 year ago today...

2011-06-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

One year ago today...was the beginning of much learning and growing. I admitted to Jake that I was very nervous about his PET scan today. The Radiology Tech guy, Doug, was so nice...I was hoping that I would be able to talk him out of revealing some results before we left...but, I think it's against the rules to do so...so we wait, just like the other parents have to.

Dave went with this time. He did most of the work in helping care for Jake before the scan this time. I was so happy to share the burden.

I had a very nice session with my (or I should say..Jake's) massage therapist right after and she helped me to relax. Her name is Leslie and she is very intuitive. She somehow knows the right things to say to calm my troubled heart.

Now I feel very calm. Whatever it is...it's ok.

Jake update

2011-06-10T15:49:00.000-07:00

More waiting...We are getting a PET scan on Wednesday. This will (hopefully) tell us whether the tumor is dead or live tissue. I'm afraid....I so need a vacation from worries!

If it's dead tissue...no problem...however, he is having more swelling and more pain, which needs to be addressed.

If it's live tissue...I will be devestated!..nevertheless, we will deal with whatever we have to deal with.

Dr. Wright called me a couple days ago and she did research on his CT scans to verify if the tumor was bigger or smaller from the beginning. Apparently, the biggest part of the tumor was about 6.5 cm (not 4 cm as they had told us in the beginning). Now it's 5 cm, smaller, but not that much.

(Sigh!)

Chemo Journey Part 2...Patience, Learning, Enduring, Patience...

2011-06-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

Colored folders are bills, binder is everything I didn't want to know.

The first chemo treatment was an overnight stay. It wasn’t so bad, but the next day a constant stream of nurses came in for “caregiver training”. Talk about overwhelm city! First they bring in this big blue binder…full of stuff I needed to know to take care of Jake and info about the drugs they would be using on him and about Rhabdomyosarcoma. Can you say…Information Overload! Perhaps in hindsight I should have had Dave there with me…at least for support.

Dave would come to the hospital any time I asked him to. He would always come and sit with Jake after work. He would have been there more if I had asked him to. Handling the hospital stays and care by myself was my own doing. I had the most medical training between the two of us, so I felt I was best suited for the job. However, I wasn’t prepared for how alone I felt at times and the pressure to do it all…not to mention how scary it was to get bad news and have no one there but your angels to hold you. I tried hard not to cry in front of Jake. He felt sick enough with his illness, I didn’t want him to feel bad that it made me cry…often. I was recently told that it was ok to let him see me cry because it was ok for him to see that I was human. I’m a leaky human!

Primary Children’s Hospital was great to make Jake feel comfortable and help him pass the time with games and stuff. They gave him pretty much whatever he wanted to eat. I believe week 10 was when it grew old. I remember Jake and I both saying…”How much longer do we have to do this?!” It wasn’t long after, that the smells of the hospital started to make him nauseous. The smell of the hospital food, the cafeteria, alcohol swabs, hand sanitizer, even just looking at a syringe made him throw up…poor guy! There came a point where he just didn’t want the treatments anymore. He wouldn’t go to the hospital when he had fevers the last 3-4 months of treatment. The doctors were very accommodating when Jake started hating the overnight stays. They arranged for him to get his chemo all day long at clinic and to get hydrated at home. This meant I would be his home care nurse in the wee hours of the night and morning.

I can’t tell you how many times I would apologize to Jake for the shots I had to give him (very painful). Not because I was bad at it, but the shot would burn when it went in and for some times after. There was nothing I could do to make it better. We were both very grateful that we found an alternative shot that, although it hurt just as much, I only had to give it to him once after the “long” chemo.

One of our struggles, Jake being 19, was how much say Jake had in his treatment and how much say I had. There were times that, although “mother knew best”, he was so sick of the treatment, he didn’t want to do what was best, just what was easiest. If it wasn’t life threatening, I had to let him use his free agency. Since we have no way of knowing what would cause the infections or the fevers, there may be a price to pay later…or perhaps it was a good gamble. I guess we will wait and see.

Chemo: Week 45

2011-05-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

Finally! The last chemo treatment for Jake! What a test of patience!

The Aqua Chi treatments were helping to keep his platelet counts up, but not at the end. I believe his body was just so worn out from trying to recover the first 42 weeks of chemo, it was just getting harder and harder for the cells to do their job! Jake finally got in with a massage therapist that helped him learn to meditate on healing. I believe this is what gave his body the final push it needed to be ready for that last chemo poison!

Can I tell you how it feels to not have to look forward to any more chemo? Finally, he can heal! How sad it was for me to see Jake start healing, only to have his energy and health zapped time and time again with the chemo.

The people we met along the way...some had worse and longer treatments, some didn't have it so bad. Some had to travel much further and rent an apartment in Salt Lake so they could stay near their sick children. Others had babies they had to tote with them and nurse while they were caring for their hospitalized child. I think God made sure I met these poor souls so that when I started getting on that pity train, I would know that it could be so much more worse than it is!

Many of you ask how I could deal with the challenges I have been given...having twins, having 5 ADD/ADHD boys, son with cancer...the list goes on. The fact is, most of the time, you don't have a choice of whether you deal with challenges or not. The choice you have... is the attitude you have about your challenges. It is a constant challenge to hold on to the good attitude. As I mentioned, it's so easy to buy into the "pity party" and often the challenge is to get off the train quickly. I believe you have to acknowledge that what you are going through is hard (sad, challenging, hurts, etc.), but don't live there!

Where should you live? Live in Hope and Faith. There is one more key that saves me from getting stuck in depression...service. Serving others is a sure cure for self involvement and self pity.

It's important to cry and grieve and feel the feelings of disappointment and sorrow that you have. It's part of the process. No one is saying you have to be happy 24/7. It's not realistic and it's not healthy to bury or deny your feelings that do not bring you joy. It's also critical that you remember that the joy comes, the heart ache goes away...eventually, healing will happen...when you let it.

So many times we have to go through stuff that we have no control over. There is nothing we can do to fix it or change it. It is those times we are blessed to use the atonement of Jesus Christ to heal us. There are many times I have to just give my pain or challenge or broken heart to Him. I have to remember that God knows the outcome, He knows what's best and everything happens for a reason.

The most important part of the journey is to look for the good stuff! There is so much! Sometimes it's one lone bloom in your flower bed that peeks out through the snow. It might be a plate of goodies or a warm loaf of bread from a caring friend or neighbor. It could be that all the lights are green on the way to the hospital when you are stressed to get there on time. Sometimes it's as simple as being able to make it to the bathroom before someone made a mess! The more complicated blessings are the ones you don't see or the ones that have been in the works for a long time...like how your doctor studied about the exact symptoms you have, or came across an article or a new research that would cure your ailment. Or how you "accidentally" meet someone who has been blessed with a gift to specifically help you through your challenges that day. Often, what makes you feel better is not someone helping you, but you helping some one else. Did you realize that when you lift the hands that hang down, you are lifting your own hands?

Update

2011-05-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

Platelets were only up to 40...so no chemo...still. We asked if he could receive platelets to make counts, but apparently, it's not allowed. So we wait...

Cancer Journey with Jake - part I

2011-05-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

Jake still hasn't had his last chemo. We are waiting for is platelet counts to be above 65. A little frustrating, I'll admit, but my feeling is that it's better to wait for Jake's body to be ready for this last poison to be put into his body, so he can start the recovery process.

Today, he is running a fever again. Tomorrow he will have his blood drawn to see if he will be receiving chemo on Tuesday or not. We pray that he can finish this so we can get on to the next phase of his treatment...healing!

I was told that I'm holding my feelings in and that I should write them down or share them so they don't get stuck inside and lost...so I have decided to share this journey that we are taking...and perhaps some of you out in the blogging world are going through some of the same stuff...in some way or another, whether it's cancer or some other life challenge.

My hope is that you will come to understand that God knows who you are, He is mindful of your needs, He knows the outcome of all challenges and it is best to put your trust in Him, because He loves you so much!

Read on...

Cancer Journey with Jake

June 15, 2010, was the day that changed the course of our lives. Jake had had some swelling that was making it very uncomfortable for him to walk. Being 19, I sent him to the doctor a few weeks prior, by himself. He was put on antibiotics for the swelling, but that didn’t change anything. I accompanied Jake when they sent him up to the Urology Department, the first time. They just put him on the same antibiotics. Subsequently, they took a CT scan to see why the swelling wasn’t going down.

The morning started out like every Tuesday morning starts. I made sure the two youngest got off to school, and then I was on my way to play racquetball with whoever showed up that day. Apparently, Jake received a call from the doctor’s office telling him to come in as soon as possible and to bring his mother. Jake called me while I was still driving to the gym and relayed the message. I asked him if he wanted me to turn around right then and go with him to the hospital, but he wanted to eat breakfast and spend some time getting ready…so he told me to play my games and then come home.

You know, when the doctor tells you to come right away and bring your mom, it can’t be good news! I lasted one game, and then I knew I had to get home right away. My head definitely was not in the game. I started crying (which greatly confused my racquetball partner! Sorry Leon!) and I quickly left to be with Jake. I distinctly remember driving up that long hill on 100 West in American Fork and the word “Cancer” popped in my head. Then the thought, This is Jake’s “Alma the Younger” experience. It will be hard, but you will like the outcome!

I changed clothes, Jake was ready to go. I called Dave because I didn’t really want this experience without him by my side. OK, I didn’t want this experience, but I didn’t have any control over that part.

We arrived and played the doctor’s office waiting game. We were all a little nervous. I didn’t share what word popped into my head earlier. I think it was just for me…to prepare my heart. The Urologist comes in and I believe that if they offer classes on tactful ways to give bad news to patients and their parents, he must have skipped out of that class. He just said, “I’m really sorry, but your son has cancer.” Then he proceeded to show us why he thought this was true. We looked at the CT scan and all the bubbles that were his lymph nodes, swollen up. Then he showed us a tumor that was near his bladder. He went ahead and took a scope view to make sure it wasn’t inside the bladder, which it wasn’t.

So now the question was what kind of cancer was it and had it spread to other places in his body? Did they catch it in time? How fast was it spreading? What were the other symptoms? Was it treatable? What would the treatment be and how good of outcome could we expect? How would this affect Jake…short term and long term?

I was holding on to hope that since this doctor was not a Oncologist or Hematologist, he didn’t know everything about cancer and he was just guessing…right? He referred us to a lovely woman Hem/Onc docs (Heather) whom we have still, to this day, have never met. She was our second tender mercy. We first had to get a biopsy done of one of the lymph nodes to start doing “stains” that would determine the type of cancer we were dealing with. That doctor said he didn’t schedule procedures on that day, but he made arrangements for the radiologist to take a ultrasound biopsy that day (so we wouldn’t have to wait) and the guy who does the tests was right there in Radiology waiting for the specimens and let them know if the samples were big enough.

Heather Gilbert, M.D. was our Angel in Passing. She kept us posted on the “stain” results, which was mostly…”We don’t know yet!” They would take more slices and do more stains. Her first test result call was, “He doesn’t have lymphoma, so I won’t be your doctor. But I’ll stay with you until we know what it is and get you referred to the best doctor I know!” She was definitely in the “Tact” class! She would keep calling me or having me call her or her assistant Erin, to get the results, even if it was after her work hours. She would keep calling the Pathologists for results and let me know as soon as she knew something. Somehow, I wasn’t upset or distraught when it took longer, because I chose not to worry about what I didn’t know. She was amazed at my attitude! She remarked, “I can’t believe your patience and understanding! I have a son about Jake’s age and I don’t know if I could have the same attitude.” I asked, “If I were impatient or upset, would that make the outcome any faster or different?” “No.”, she replied. “Well, I choose not to worry about what I don’t know. I know that you are doing everything you can to get the results to me as quickly as possible, and that is all that I can ask!” “I wish more parents understood it the way you do!” she said. At the end of our encounter I was calling her Heather, instead of Dr. Gilbert. I told her she was more like a friend than our doctor.

One of her last phone visits with me, she told me that slice after slice of biopsy material, test after test, stain after stain, they were on the last piece of lymph node. They stained it for Rhabdomyosarcoma and it came back positive. She related that they had to get another piece of lymph node to confirm absolutely that there was no question that was the cancer infecting Jake’s body. At this point I was brave enough to ask the question I dared not ask. “Is there no hope that Jake does not have cancer?” “No.” She replied, “There is no hope.” She had to wait until I could gain my composure enough to speak audible words. I could feel her desire to put her arm through the airwaves and around my shoulders for support of this devastating news…and that was understanding enough…for me.

I retired to my room and wept uncontrollably on my bed…just for a minute or two, until I felt angel arms of comfort envelop me and the Holy Spirit gently reminded me that He had told me it would be hard, but I would like the outcome. He told me that my job was to help Jake through this. I wiped my eyes, got off my bed, gird up my loins and went out to face whatever this Rhabdomyosarcoma was.

At some point, early in the cancer treating regimen, Jake asked Dave to give him a blessing. I was hanging on every word he said, waiting for those words of comfort, that everything would be ok. He tried three times to say the words…but he couldn’t. I had my answer, but I wanted more validation! I wanted to know that this would be a breeze, the treatment would go fine, no setbacks, no ups and downs, no test…of faith. Well…it’s good to have goals! Right?

The mommy part of me wanted to take the cancer away from Jake. I wanted to take the hurt, the pain, the sickness and discomfort away and make it all better. Yet…this was Jake’s experience, Jake’s growth time, Jake’s time to realize that he can do hard things and that he was meant for more than video games and meaningless entertainment. We never looked at rhabdo as a punishment or a mistake, but an opportunity to grow and learn what we are really made of and who we really are. I can't lie...none of this was any fun! Some parts were easier than others. Some parts were easier for Jake and some parts were easier for me...then there were the days that neither one of us wanted to go on with it.

Something I didn’t expect was how heartbreaking it would be to see and relate to the other children and families in the hospital who were experiencing their own trials with illness. Rhabdo. is a childhood cancer, so Jake was treated at Primary Children’s Hospital for chemo and the Huntsman Cancer Center for radiation therapy. My heart couldn’t bear to listen to very much of the sorrow and heart ache they had to deal with. I don’t know why. Perhaps because it was just too close to home for me. I was grateful that Jake was not as bad off as some of the stories I heard, but I found it hard to not let my heart get sucked into to sadness. I must learn to have compassion without putting my heart through the sadness wringer. I don’t know how to do that yet.

New Cancer regimen...

2011-04-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

So here's the latest and greatest for Jake's cancer therapy: We are getting the second to last chemo today. In three weeks we will get the last chemo...May 3rd! At the end of May/first part of June, we will have an MRI done to check the progress of tumor shrinkage. He will also have his port removed. As soon as the wound heals, I will lift the ban of swimming pools for Jake.

After that, we will only have to come in for a check up every three months, then every 6 months, then once a year for the next five years. If all goes well, they will say he is in remission or cancer free after 5 years of good scans/MRI's. Best case senario, Jake starts feeling back to his regular self by the end of summer. We will continue detoxing him until we are sure all of the chemo is out of his body.

We are so happy to be to this point. It has been a long, long road for us! Jake has to deal with all the physical aspects of the chemo, and I deal with all the worries, scheduling, education, care, emotions, heart break, sorrow, bills and transportation for chemo. Seriously, this would be much easier for me if I had the cancer! But that's not the way God works...not that He gave Jake this cancer, but He is helping us through this and we are stronger for it.

Jake has never been depressed about his challenges, but he does get tired of it all. His body has a harder time recovering from chemo treatments and it is frustrating that he can't do the things he is used to doing, like walking up stairs, jumping on the tramp or being able to go out and do things with his friends.

We will get through this!

HOPE/FAITH: It does a body good/!

Here we go!

2011-04-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

Platelets were good today so we are going for long chemo tomorrow! It's to awesome to be so close to the end! Only one more chemo after this! Thanks for the prayers!

Chemo: Week 36

2011-04-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

After blood and platelets last week, counts are looking a lot better! Last short chemo today. Long chemo next week, then if we can keep his counts up...Last chemo...May 3rd!

Maybe this is not the end of our cancer journey, but it will be the end of treatment...for now! I hope no one thinks less of me for not bonding with the other cancer parents. I just found it so heart breaking to listen to their stories. Maybe it's a little easier when your not going through it with your own child.

This experience has opened up a Pandora's Box of emotions and feelings I never dreamed I would experience. It has changed me. All of the parents I have met agree that we have learned much more about cancer and medical terms than we ever imagined would be necessary.

I've learned that to make it through hard stuff, you can never dwell on it. It's necessary to acknowledge it, but dwelling on it is very depressing. That's why is hard to keep repeating how Jake's doing, over and over again. It is a constant reminder that he is ill. I know people just want to show they care, and that's the part that I appreciate. I think I just have to tell them he's fine and let them look on the blog to see how he's really doing.

We often make ourselves more depressed because we think life is suppose to be easy and good all the time. Well, life is hard and often it's not fun or easy! But, if you trying your best, and living your life in partnership with God, even though it's sometimes hard, it can always be good!

Like I tell my boys...You don't have to like it, you just have to do it!

Counts...

2011-03-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

Counts are really low today. We may be going in for a transfusion on Friday!

Sigh!

2011-03-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

Jake spiked a 103 fever again last night. Again, he wouldn't go to the hospital. I even had another doctor talk to him and tell him this could be a life-threatening infection...to no avail. He looked at me and said, sorry mom....the invincible teenager thing.

I spent my first summer away from home on the University of Utah campus. This beautiful fountain is located just east of the library and was a place of solace and fun for me. What is obstructed by the tree is the thin, 4 inch straight piece of cement that goes from one set of stairs to the other. So often I would climb these stairs barefoot and walk across the top, often stopping and doing some moves I learned in gymnastics in the middle (Did I mention that the part I was walking on was only 4 inches wide!). Below is a mere 1-2 feet of water, then concrete. Invincible was I!

Did I ever fall and hurt myself? No. Did wisdom come with age? Sometimes.

One husband and 5 boys later, I visited that fountain and looked again, at the width across the top. I found myself gasping and wondering how I could be so brave and carefree. Perhaps it was faith I had...more faith than sense.

Should I question Jake's faith? Although it makes no sense to me not to follow the doctor's orders, I have to rely on my faith, and Jake's, my mother's intuition and the guidance of the holy spirit to get us through this. I have faith that the Spirit will tell me when to override Jake's stubbornness. God knows Jake, even better than Jake does, so I depend on Him to tell me what to do...whatever is best for Jake. I pray that Jake knows when to give in to God.

My prayers are not what you might think for Jake. I pray for whatever is best for Jake...then the strength to accept whatever that might be. He warned me that this would be hard...and it is. But, He also said I would like the outcome...whatever it is...it will be the best for Jake (I keep reminding myself!).

Be still my soul!

1 more chemo down!

2011-03-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

One more long chemo over with! The nurse didn't start the pump correctly for the fluids Monday night, so it stopped after a short time and he wasn't hydrated enough to start chemo on Tuesday morning. They pumped him full of fluids, but he wasn't peeing out. Finally, after 5 hours of no relief, I asked them to give him something to help things along (otherwise, we would be there overnight again). They did. I went to the gym and got my exercise in and by the time I got back, he had peed plenty and they had started the chemo. Still, it took until 9:30 to finish. It was a long day, but so happy to have one more chemo over with!

My good friend Karen, took care of dinner for the family while we were gone. Jake was so excited to eat something good at home! They send him home on fluids, which were suppose to go until 2 a.m. last night. Jake told me he was going to rip it out at midnight if I didn't take it out (He's getting to be a bit of a stinker about this cancer treatment stuff!)! Good thing we are almost to the end! Two longs, two shorts left!

Oops!

2011-03-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

I thought I was posting an update on here, but it went on "My Mom's Blog"...so click there for Jake's update!

5 Chemo's left!

2011-03-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

I went with Jake to chemo today (short chemo). I don't usually go, but I wanted to see what his counts were this time. Austin went with us, so it was boy bonding time for me. We were a little late getting there because I made them eat breakfast...I'm not sure why, because he left it at the clinic because the saline flush makes him nauseous.

The counts were much better today! Not good enough for the long chemo, (platelets 34) but much better than last week (platelets 13). His platelets have to be at least 75 to get long chemo (next week).

I am becoming a firm believer in this detox stuff! Without it, his platelets would only go up 7-9 points each time he would get labs done, twice a week. He said his mind is much more clear and his energy level is a lot better. What a blessing that this was made available to us! (She is opening up an office here in Lehi if anyone is interested) I should probably buy one of those machines myself. I know it's helped me feel better with just a few sessions.

Scan results

2011-03-03T18:24:00.000-08:00

The chemo went well this time! (good Sigh!) I think the detox helped get things moving faster...but when I told my doctor bro-in-law about it, he just started laughing and said it was ridiculous. I'm just saying, if it helps Jake to feel better, why not!

The scan went ok, but I wasn't excited about the results. It showed very little reduction in the tumor. Dr. Wright said this sometimes happens and not to worry about it too much. The report says the the swelling is a little worse than before, but the tumor is "stable". They had a hard time seeing it very well, so they are going to check it by MRI next time (in May).

So on we go...chemo again for the next two weeks, then if counts are good enough, long chemo on the 22nd. It's good to be counting down again!

Counts are up again!

2011-02-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

Thanks for your prayers! Jake's counts are up high enough to get chemo tomorrow! Finally moving on!

Hoping for chemo this week!

2011-02-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

We did a detox on Jake to see if it would help his platelet count. Monday we will be getting a blood draw so they can check to see if the platelets are high enough. Since life does not always work out the way I schedule it, I scheduled racquetball for Tuesday. That way, if "life" is going to interrupt my schedule, I'll miss racquetball instead of chemo! (a bit of a stretch, but we are trying anything now! haha). Oh, and click on the word "detox" if you want to see pictures! Warning! Kinda gross looking!

Thanks for your prayers in our behalf!

Prayer time!

2011-02-22T14:44:00.001-08:00

So, instead of chemo today, it was laundry and cleaning the kitchen (Yay!)! I talked to the nurse today to see if there was anything we could do to get Jake's platelets up enough to get chemo, but she had nothing. All I have is you guys and God, so if you could please say a prayer for Jake to get his platelet count up to at least 75 so he can continue with his chemo treatments so we can get this over with and he can get on with his life!

Jake's in really good spirits these days! Sadly, he has lost so much strength in his hands and feet, just coming up the stairs is a hardship for him. Sometimes he has to crawls up the last 5 stairs. He told me yesterday he fell down and had to get help to get back up. I asked him if he needed one of those geriatric gizmos so he could say, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" I know it's more sad than funny, but we try to make light of the hard stuff so it doesn't seem like such a tragedy. It's better than crying all the time!

Bad Platelets...bad, bad platelets!

2011-02-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

Again with the low count of platelets, so....no chemo again this week! Now it puts the end back one...more...week! (Sigh!)

No Chemo this week!

2011-02-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

Again, his platelet counts weren't high enough to get chemo. A little disappointed that we can't get on with the regimen, but it really is nice to have a break. This will be a 3 week break for Jake. It gives his body time to heal...I think that's a good thing! It's all good! :)

Last third of the Chemo regimen

2011-02-10T21:39:00.000-08:00

Monday starts the last third of Jake's chemo regimen! I don't know if the hardest part is the middle, because the end looks so far away, or the end, because we have been through so much and it's hard to go one more time! At least we can see the end...did you ever have to take yucky medicine for a long time and just the thought of it makes you gag?

I'm a little nervous for this next chemo. I guess because the last one was a little too scary for me. Well, let's just be grateful for a nice weekend! Monday brings a double visit from the nurse! She has to draw blood to check his counts, then come and start a bolus of saline around 10 pm. Unfortunately, she will be on her valentine date.

If all goes as planned, his last chemo will be April 20th. It's actually suppose to be on his birthday, April 19th, but he refused to spend his birthday getting chemo all day! Can you blame him?

Break!

2011-02-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

Jake has a break from chemo this week and next week. His platelets were low on Monday, but hopefully tomorrow they will be up! All the other counts were fabulous! We love the "one" shot thing! The benefit is that the medicine stays in his body for the whole time between chemo treatments! No more nightly shots!

Chemo week 28

2011-01-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

That update is at roshol.blogspot.com (or see the link on the right to My Mom's Blog). The update to that update is that Jake is feeling much better! I dived into the the cleaning of the pantry today and Jake felt good enough to sit at the counter and give me annoying comments like: Throw that out! We don't need that! That's old! Get rid of it! Mom, why are you getting rid of that?

His hands are still too weak to do much, so he asked me to cut his toe nails. I asked him if I could take a picture, but he wouldn't let me. I'll just tell you, they were so long, I had to cut them twice! He said he chewed his fingernails, so they didn't need cutting...resourceful!

The swelling has gone down out of his face but there is still some swelling in his leg. I didn't realize this because he has been wearing long pants or long pajamas and I couldn't see his leg. He gained a couple pounds...that's always good...for him!

We get a scan in three weeks to see how he's doing. That will be our next chemo visit.

Jake got a very expensive shot last night. Supposedly, he will only have to have one shot until his next chemo, instead of a shot every day. I don't know how much they will charge us, I just know that their cost was $3000. Anyway...I was asking Jake if he had any side effects from the shot and he told me that talking about anything medical/hospital related makes him nauseous. So it has come to this now!

Well Jakey, we only have 8 more dates in Salt Lake. I promise not to make you eat or smell any food from the big white building. I'm praying that our long dates won't make you as sick as the last one did and we can get through these last weeks of ..... mother-son bonding! We're almost done, bud! You can do this! Just a little bit longer!

Update for 1/25/11

2011-01-25T20:48:00.000-08:00

Please see "My Mom's Blog" for an update. Too tired to post in both places.

Another trip to Primary's

2011-01-16T19:21:00.000-08:00

Jake spiked a fever, again. His counts dropped to zero (no immune system) and I told him to stay in the house Friday. He had a fever of 100 on Thursday, but we wanted to wait until Friday to see if it would get better or worse. He didn't listen to mom and went over the a friends house...just for an hour or so, but that was long enough. Friday, I finally found the ambition to paint grandma's room. I got the walls patched and ready for paint. I checked Jake's temperature at 10 and it was up to 101.6. I gave him some of his antibiotics and told him that if he still had a fever at noon he would have to go to the hospital. I was about to walk out the door to pick up some paint supplies when I thought I had better check on him again. Still had the fever so to SLC we went. He said he didn't want to go, but it was Friday and the clinic wasn't open the next day. I warned he that he might have to stay overnight. He said he wouldn't do it! You have to understand 2 things at this point. 1) Jake is 19 and still thinks he's invincible! 2) At this point, Jake is so tired of hospital stays and hospital food, smell, pokes and pukes...I can't really blame him for not wanting to go. But we are almost through it!

Interestingly, when we got to PCMC, there was hardly any patients in the clinic. Most had come in the morning. There was one toddler girl in a room with her dad and a 5 year old girl in the back getting something in an IV. Dr. Wright said that by chance his ANC was above .5, he would only have to have one dose of IV antibiotics, then he could go home. However, since his ANC was zero the day before, chances were very slim that this would happen. Typically, he would have to stay overnight for more antibiotics, but since Jake did very well at home and he is older, she said she would let him have the home care nurse give him antibiotics at home. Amazingly, his ANC was up to 1.6! We were out of there in just over an hour and on our way home!

I was ecstatic that it wasn't worse! I said, "See! That wasn't so bad!
Jake's reply: "For you!"
Ok, well it could be worse! (Sigh!)

Next day, Jake was feeling much, much better. I had to go back to giving him the shots, but hopefully, he won't need them come Monday.

For some reason, emotionally, I don't mind taking him for planned visits. It's the unplanned visits get to me. Although the doctors and nurses assure me that it's all normal, it's hard not to see it as a set back. This morning I made the boys a huge breakfast to motivate them to get out of bed (in time for church). We were having our usual jovial bantering and Jake was pretending to cry about something. Zack had teased him about cancer making him something or another...I added, cancer makes you cry. He said, "No, mom! cancer makes you cry!" He was right. Loving and caring for a boy who has to have cancer as a challenge in his life, makes me cry sometimes.

Lesson learned: In the ballgame of life, the pitcher is not going to throw the ball the same way every time. You have to be flexible! Sometimes getting on base and letting someone else hit you in is just as good as hitting a home run! Life is a team sport. You don't have to do it all by yourself. And best of all, if Jesus and Heavenly Father are on your team, you always win! :)

No more shots for a while!

2011-01-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

Counts are pretty good today! Platelets are low again, but ANC is up high enough to forgo the Neupagen shots! YAY!!!

Day of Hope

2011-01-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

So we are sitting in the cancer clinic at Primary Children's Hospital. We are hoping to be out of here by 5:00 p.m., just in time for night traffic! Maybe earlier! That would be awesome!

I asked the doctor what is Jake's best case scenario. She said that as good as he is doing, it is very common that it will take a few months to recover from the chemo treatments, but that he should be able to lead a normal life (except for the fertility part)! It would take a miricle for Jake to have children. I guess that is that saddest part for me...but, you never know what God has in store for Jake. If he's suppose to have children, he will!

So today my eyes are wet...because I have hope! My heart is full of gratitude for those of you who have been generous with your time and means to help our family and especially Jake. So grateful for your prayers in Jake's behalf.

May God bless you for being our angels!

Counts are up again!

2011-01-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

Counts are up again, so chemo in the morning! This is the long-day chemo. We will be starting the i.v. about 9:30 tonight. I never thought I would be storing i.v. fluid in my fridge! Since they delayed his chemo by one week that messes up the last day of chemo till his birthday, April 19th! He told me that he refuses to have chemo on his birthday...so maybe it will be the day after!

No Chemo this week!

2010-12-29T18:54:00.000-08:00

That's not necessarily a good thing. For the first time ever, Jake's platelets were too low to receive chemo. They weren't low enough to get a platelet transfusion, so they are doing nothing until next week. It's suppose to be the long-day chemo, so there is a lot of juggling that has to go on to make it work. Well, it gives us time to fatten him up a little.

Join with me in imagining a healthy, cancer-free Jake!

God Bless You!

2010-12-23T19:47:00.000-08:00

Wow! Thank you for your generous donations towards Jake's bills! We don't know any of you that opened up your hearts and pocket books for Jake this Christmas season, so we are doubly amazed and touched by your generosity! May God bless you doubly!

With grateful hearts,
Jake and Mom Holladay

Crazy!

2010-12-23T19:27:00.000-08:00

Here is most of my crazy boys! (Mike was at another table with his new BFF)

Jake is doing great right now! He had a transfusion of blood and platelets last Friday and is feeling and looking much better now. I think his weight is down a little (I notice this when I have to give him a shot and have a hard time finding enough fat to put it in. I have to have him curl up in a ball so the skin is loose enough on his stomach to pinch together). I found out that there was a shot that I would only have to give him one, after chemo. We're going to check that out!

I counted how much time we have left with the cancer treatments. Here is the run down: We have 15 weeks left. We have 6 long days (formerly inpatient) of chemo and 4 short. We only have to have chemo once in January! He will have his second evaluation scan on Feb. 8th (probably). Swelling continues to go down, but...(not complaining this month so nothing here).

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!

Chemo: Week 22

2010-12-12T21:10:00.000-08:00

We tried something different this week. We were suppose to do the overnight chemo this week, but in the past 22 weeks, Jake has grown to loath everything about the hospital. We opted to try the long chemo in clinic. We actually started the night before with some hydration. This is Jake's nurse, Karen, accessing his port. The pharmacy sent us some saline and it ran all night, until 5:30. They trained me on how to disconnect the IV, so I did that and we went to the hospital. We had to wait for about 1/2 hour for the nurses to get things started, so there is no sense going in that early. We had to wait for the pharmacy to mix up the chemo, but all in all we were able to leave at about 6:15 p.m. He had to be on IV fluids until 11:00 pm. The nurse trained me how to de-access his port. I was able to get the nurse to start the IV fluids before we left the hospital, so I wouldn't have to push saline and heparin (which makes him throw up every time.). My aim was to keep as much food in him as possible. I didn't even have to push the saline at 11 for him to get nauseous. I was pretty nervous to have to play nurse...but we got through it fine (big sigh). Jake decided he liked it much better. It makes for a long day in clinic, but at least he gets to go home with me.

My bro-in-law, Bob invented some gel that you can use as disinfectant. It sterilizes the area for up to 4 hours. He has some that has moisturizer in it so we can use it for hand disinfectant. It doesn't have that alcohol smell that makes Jake nauseous either, so I am excited to try it.

Only 18 weeks left! :)

Dear Santa...

2010-12-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

I would like to return some gifts I received this year.
The first is my lack of hair. I'm done with the baldy look.
Second, you can have my numb fingers and toes. It makes it hard to do anything.
Third, you can have my lack of hunger and taste buds. It would be really nice if food taste good again.
Fourth, please take the pain in my stomach and the diarrhea that goes with it.
Fifth, please put the warmth and color back into my skin.
Sixth, please help me to lift my feet so I can run with my friends.
Seventh, the tumor and cancer in my body...totally done with that.
Eighth, You can have all the trips to the hospital, transfusions, antibiotic and chemo they give me. I'm totally done with that too.
Ninth, not loving the Neupogen shots I have to get every night. I know they help, but if you're taking the rest of the stuff, you can totally have the Neupogen.
Tenth, all the bills...you can have those too.

This year, I just want to be healthy, like I was on my last birthday. I would rather my mom hassle me about getting a job, rather than getting my shot. (Oh ya, and a girlfriend!)

The gifts I want to keep are my friends and family who love and care for me, my neighbors to bring me treats, all those who pray for me. Then there are the strangers and anonymous angels who give without even knowing me or my family. Those people are most awesome! There were a lot of friends and family who sacrificed time and means to make things a little easier for me and my family...again, a big dose of awesome from them!

Thanks,
Your friend,
Jake

Chemo: Week 21

2010-12-01T21:40:00.000-08:00

Well, this was a long day at the hospital. Jake ended up getting a blood transfusion so we were there from 11 to 5. Neupogen shots started up again today. Even though Jake hates getting the shots, he realizes now that it helps keep him out of the hospital for extra stays, so he no longer protests.

Next week we are going to try getting the overnight chemo treatment during the day. I don't know if this is going to work out, but we are sure willing to try. I'm a little bit nervous... I guess the home care nurse is going to come and hook him up to an IV to get him hydrated overnight. I don't know if that means we have to change out the bags of IV all night. Are they going to have an IV pole with a pump? This will be a new adventure for us.

One sweet byproduct of Jake's illness is we got a call from Children with Cancer Christmas Foundation. They have a party for families that have cancer kids and let the parents shop for a toy for the younger kids. The next day they have Santa there and a big pizza party and fun evening for the family. The boys all love pizza, so I think they will enjoy it. The cool thing about my boys is that they are good friends with each other, so it's ok if they don't know anyone there. Opportunity to meet new people!

Thanksgiving Weekend

2010-11-28T19:55:00.000-08:00

That was a short-lived celebration! Counts are back down...however, the nurse said this is the normal road right after chemo. At least we are getting away with no shots right now. I asked if he needed them, since his counts were down again, but they said no...so there you go! Apparently his other blood counts are borderline, so he's getting a transfusion for a bonus! He always feels better after a transfusion, so I don't mind as much as Jake does. He is amazingly keeping a good attitude! Love you Jake!

Half Way There!

2010-11-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

Chemo week 20! Some counts were down but his ANC was way up...so, no more shots (this week) and he gets to go to Thanksgiving Dinner! Yeah!

Chemo: Week 19

2010-11-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

Jake is telling me to quit taking pictures of him.

Well, it has been a long week...for me. We were suppose to go in for chemo on Tuesday, but they asked us if we wanted to wait until Wednesday. We had an appointment with the Radiology doc, which was not very productive. She made us very late for chemo.

Jake hates the overnight stays at the hospital so we inquired as to the possibility of him not having a hospital stay, but just getting chemo in the clinic. We would have to stay all day, but that's a lot less time than staying over night. They are going to try it on our next scheduled overnight stay. We'll see how it goes!

The best news was that Jake gained a couple pounds! He is really trying to eat more so he can heal faster! He still has some color in his face from his last transfusion...oh maybe I didn't mention that. Jake's counts were critically low a couple weeks ago. His skin was so pale! The nurse said he needed to come in for a transfusion on Friday, so since Dave was home, I let him have a turn doing the Jake-hospital bonding time. They gave him 3 liters of blood instead of 2 and topped it off with a bolus of platelets. Unfortunately, Jake spiked a fever while he was at the hospital so they made him stay overnight on a regimen of antibiotics. Jake called me and begged me to get the doctors to release him to home. He said he hated the food, so I made him a sandwich and some jello (his request) and made the 45 min. drive up the the hospital to comfort my poor Jakey. I had to drive home in a big snow storm and only 2 hours sleep the night before, but Jake's worth it.

Here is Jake, who wasn't happy because he just threw up the yummy sandwich I had brought him from home.

Chemo continues to damage Jake's body. He continues to have more numbness in his hands and feet and is losing a lot of strength. He's trying to stay upbeat, but the treatments are getting tiring for all of us. (sigh!) The doctors and nurses keep encouraging us to stay strong and the prayers are really helping, so thank you, all!

Next week will mark the half way mark of chemo treatments. April 12, 2011, is the last schedule chemo treatment. That will be my new favorite day! (Happy thoughts!)

Letter to a friend...

2010-11-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

Thanks Cathy! It means a lot to me to not be forgotten.

Dave and I were talking today and I mentioned how blessed I felt that I was receiving some amazing strength from heaven. I truly believe that people are praying for us from here and in heaven, and this gives us strength and extra blessings!

I had to give a funeral talk a few years ago. It, in and of itself was an amazing experience. The person that died actually came to me when I was writing the talk and told me what he wanted me to say. He was shot and killed suddenly, so he didn’t have a chance to bid a proper good-bye to his family. You know how the tears flow and I get choked up when I’m at the pulpit. Well, I prayed for strength to get through that talk without blubbering, because it would have taken away the spirit I was hoping would rest upon the congregation. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was like someone poured extra strength ability to speak without falling apart into my veins! I was bound up with some kind of power beyond my own possibilities! I know it was because of prayers in my behalf.

That is what I am feeling now…bound up with some kind of power beyond my own. I feel an unbelievable amount of patience and peace. The speed has increased in how fast principles of the gospel are being deeply rooted into my understanding and into my heart. I am so amazed at the tender mercies I receive and I love how God points them out to me, and how he shows me over and over and over again, how much he loves me! It’s like entering into a beautiful spring garden and he is showing me all the beautiful things he knows my heart will delight in.

Sometimes trial, tribulation and heart ache are the keys we need to use to get into these places of beauty, light and understanding, but especially love. How interesting that these same keys open two doors…they can also open doors to despair, sorrow and hopelessness. How awesome is it that we have the agency to choose which door we go through.

I was at a doctor’s office the other day and an older man mentioned that he wished he could go back and change his life. I reflected on my life and what I had been through so far. Repeat…No Thanks! It was hard enough the first time! I prefer Jesus’ plan…repent and start fresh…every day! Fabulous!

When I think back on this challenging time, I don’t think I’m going to remember the worries and sad moments, or the heart wrenching moments watching Jake suffer through the cancer treatments, so much as I will remember the warm feelings, the testimony building moments, the blessings and the closer relationship I gained with my Savior and Heavenly Father. Hard? Yes! Worth it? Yes! Would I want to do it again? No…because I have already traveled this road and I would like to try something else…seriously!

My peace is, that no matter how hard or wretched the journey, the sweetness, love and amazing blessings are on the other end of the pendulum and are equal in strength and magnitude!

I didn’t mean to write a sermon! It’s very therapeutic for me to write what’s in my heart. It helps me to feel more grateful when I share, so thanks for listening. :)

Love you guys!

Chemo: Round 16

2010-10-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times!

The CT Scan showed the candy in his pocket.

You'll have to click on this picture to see the full effect. To the right of the capital building is LDS Hospital where 4 of my boys were born. Occasionally we get a nice view from Jake's hospital room. Last time, we had a nice view of the parking garage! See the storm rolling in? I had to drive home in a huge snow storm!

Ever since Jake found out he had cancer he has been wearing two different shoes because one of the shoes rubbed on his toe wrong and gave him an infection. He ended up having his toenail removed. I finally asked him if he wanted a new pair of shoes (I thought he was making a fashion statement). He said, "yes, that would help!" Hmmmm, all this time I thought he liked wearing his shoes like this!

Here's Jake with some of his Conkerr Cancer pillow cases. They let him pick some colorful pillow cases when he is admitted, to brighten up the drab white colors of the hospital. The tubes connected to him (which are actually connected to line up by his heart) are where they give him saline to make sure he is hydrated enough so the chemo doesn't fry his insides (too much). When he is hydrated enough, they push the chemo through this IV that goes directly into his arteries. I hate to think what it is doing to his heart!

He often brings his own blanket from home. I have to wash everything when I get it home because it is toxic from his sweat. He is smiling...for me. He gets hardly any sleep because he has to go to the bathroom every hour. The best part of the hospital stay is coming home.

Besides losing his hair and his appetite, he is losing a lot of strength and feeling in his fingers and toes. I have to open toothpaste and water bottles for him. He is down to 125 lbs. It's getting harder and harder to find a place to give him his shots. I have to make him double up and pinch the skin together to fabricate fat.

Love you Jake! Hang in there, bud!

Scan result

2010-10-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

The scan was very good. The lymph nodes are no longer swollen and his tumor has shrunk to about 1/2 the size it was.

Jake update 10/26/2010

2010-10-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

Jake's hair is fuzzing in, but he says it still falls out easily. I was very disappointed to hear this because I was hoping it was growing back for good! I guess we can't hope for a good head of hair until April, when the chemo is over with!

We are here at PCMC getting a contrast scan done. We find out the results around noon, then he gets admitted to the hospital for Chemo Week 16. Hopefully all the drinking he has to do for the scan will help him be hydrated enough for his chemo.

It was nice to have a little break from the chemo for the past two weeks, but the trip to the ER didn't make it feel like a real break! Maybe next time! :)

Jake said he was done with cancer! He is tired of treatments and of the pain and sickness that goes with it. I could barely get him out of bed this morning to bring him into the hospital. Nevertheless, he did get up and come, he is drinking the 3 cans of rootbeer in an hour so he can get his scan and he is trying to drink lots to be hydrated enough to get his chemo treatment.

We come to the hospital and we see lots of little ones with cancer. It's so sad!

Yeah Jake! :)

2010-10-18T13:57:00.001-07:00

Counts are back up!!

Next!

2010-10-17T20:30:00.001-07:00

I checked on Jake on the way home and he was feeling ill. I had John check to see if he had a fever and he did. He was down in St. George visiting John and he forgot (so he says) to take his Neupogen shots with him. His Uncle Scott is an OR nurse, but he was out of town (I'm sure he still doesn't know that Jake had to go the the ER). Anyway, I called the on call doctor and they said to take him into the ER to get some antibiotics. I'm so proud of Tyson (cousin) for having the smarts enough to call the bishop and have him give Jake a blessing before they took him in. I was freaking out a little not being able to be there with Jake and make sure he was getting taken care of properly. John did a good job, though. They finally got checked out at 2 a.m. Jake got home about 5:30, 6:00 p.m.

I got a call from an ER nurse requesting Jake to come back in and get admitted to the hospital. The Hem/Onc consult doc wanted to give him some more antibiotics. I politely told her "No Thanks! We will follow up with our own docs here." Jake wanted nothing to do with going back to the hospital! Last time we had an ER visit, he was fine in the morning. It didn't work out the same this time! He still had a fever of 101. No doctors I trust were available Saturday evening. I knew I had to get some more antibiotics in him and some food. With a little medical background, some research, common sense and a lot of faith, I found something that worked! His fever was down this morning and completely gone by this afternoon!

I was pretty stressed and emotional all morning because the choir was meeting at my house and I wasn't sure if I would have to take Jake back to the ER this morning. Wasn't sure if I could give my Primary lesson either. It all worked out...somehow. I was strengthened my some friends and the spirit at church. I did get choked up, however, when they sang I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus in Primary because it now reminds me of John leaving home. Jake gets another round of labs in the morning and if the counts are good, then we will stay the course. If not, we will take a trip up to the clinic.

You know, I was so looking forward to a break from all this! I guess it was silly of me to think, No chemo, no problems! Sigh!
Next!

ER Round 2

2010-10-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

Jake went down to St. George to see his brother this weekend. He got sick, but was just going to go to bed. I told John to check his temp. Another trip to the ER! I hate not being there and making sure the doctors are doing the right thing! :(

Chemo: Round 13

2010-10-10T21:05:00.001-07:00

Well, we are figuring out what normal is. This was another overnight stay at PCMC. We are back to 3 chemo drugs, one at a time, of course. I used to think that they mixed the drugs before they gave them to him, but one they push with a needle and the other two drip through the IV. What takes the most time is getting him hydrated enough to put the chemo in his veins. He never gets any sleep there because they pump him so full of saline he spends all night peeing. They did, however, get a new Wii system that had lots of games on it. The fourth floor was full, so they made him go down on the third floor. I didn't like it as much.

My brother, Sam took me to lunch to the Lion House. I had never been there before! It was delicious! Thanks Sam! We always have nice visits...a little brother/sister bonding time!

Dave came up after work and hung out with Jake until after his chemo was done, after 10 pm. I drove back up Wednesday morning and checked him out and took him home to sleep for a couple days.

The great news is we get a little break from cancer therapy for 2 1/2 more weeks! He has a chance to heal until the 26th of October. They will then do some new scans and tests and compare them to the tests he had done before the chemo and radiation. Then he will have another overnight chemo stay and start another 15 week course of chemo therapy. His counts were down on Thursday, so we had to start the Neupogen shots up again.

We are going to try and fatten him up a little and let him heal! Bring on the Halloween Candy!

Chemo Jake

2010-10-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

This is chemo Jake. He is like this for about 2 days after chemo. My friend, Sylvia, made this blanket for him because he spends the hot summer days wrapped up in quilts and blankets. It's about 75 degrees in the house.

Chemo: Round 12

2010-09-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

A Note to a friend:

Jake is doing good, I think. I don’t know what to compare him to, really. He is still very tired and worn out after chemo, too much so to get any kind of job. He looks extremely pale to me. The doctors even thought that he needed a transfusion because he was so pale, but his counts were ok. I think part of it is that he has stayed out of the sun, for the most part. Perhaps I should make him sit in the sun for 15 minutes so he can get his vitamin D.

The great thing about Jake is he is still trying to live life! He’s not moping around all day and complaining about the cards he was dealt. When he feels he has the energy, he tries to play around, like he usually does. He hiked up to Timpanogos Cave on Saturday with Austin B. I couldn’t believe he would try such a hard hike. He said he had to rest every 20 feet. Austin offered to carry him up on his back (bless his heart!), but Jake wanted to do it himself. He still wanted to feel like he could accomplish something on his own. He never gave up! I love that about him!

Next Tuesday is another in hospital chemo treatment (pee day). We're back to all three chemo drugs/poisons. The good news is that we are at the point where they will do the first evaluations to see how his body and tumor is reacting to the chemo and radiation treatments His stomach is peeling where he has big rectangular burn marks from the radiation. The same on his back. He said that the creases in his leg/groin area were raw from the burns (poor guy!) I wish there were something I could do to make it all better! (sigh!)

Today was a good day! No bills and someone sent a donation to help with Jake’s bills. I feel blessed!

Dear God,

I won't ask why, and I'm not mad.

I know this will be over sometime, and I know that You know how much my heart breaks to see my child in pain.

Thanks for being there for us! Thanks for sending many angels to help us through this!

Some give gifts of love.

Some give gifts of service.

Some give gifts of monetary means.

Some give gifts of prayer and faith.

Some give courage and hope.

Some give a listening ear and a hug.

Some give words of encouragement and comfort.

Some give thoughtful gifts to remind us that we are loved and thought of often.

Some give us gifts that make us laugh.

Thank you so much for the many lessons I have learned through this experience! Lessons of compassion and service, patience and understanding, how to be optimistic and hopeful without losing sight of reality.

You haven't told me yet, what the outcome will be, and it scares me a little. But I trust you, Father, and I know You will do what is best for Jake and for all of us. Sorry you have to keep reminding me, but thank You for doing it often.

Thanks for showing me how to avoid the "Pity Puddles". It really works! Of course, You knew that already!

I knew You loved me, I just didn't know how much! Thank you for reminding me, again and again and again and again.... I will never get tired of the different ways You show me.

Love,

The Hike, The Cave, the Adventure...

2010-09-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

It was free admission to State Parks on Saturday, so Jake and his friend Austin decided to take the Timpanogos Cave challenge. They had to get on a waiting list. I wanted to go with them, but couldn't leave when they left. They didn't add me to the list for the reservation, I guess I'm not cool enough to go with the boys! hehe I couldn't believe that Jake would try this, but I'm glad he did.

The hike is quite steep. When I asked him how he did, he said he had to rest every 20 feet, but he made it to the top! Austin offered to carry him on his back, but he wanted to make the climb himself.

He said they only had to rest a couple times on the way down, but the cave was pretty cool! I asked them to take some pics of Jake, but they wouldn't. Thanks for being patient with him, Austin! Jake, you're pretty awesome!

Love you!
Jmom

Happy Face!

2010-09-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

No more shots...this week! Counts are up again!

You Look Like Charlie Brown!!!

2010-09-21T06:22:00.001-07:00

I suppose it was bound to happen. We took Jake out to eat for several reasons, partly to see if we could put some weight back on him and partly because Dave wanted to continue the celebration of completing radiation therapy. Monday is usually a good day for appetite for Jake because it's just before his next chemo treatment. There was a young man at the door, and as we were leaving he started yelling that Jake looked like Charlie Brown and how he hated that guys shaved their heads!

Sorry Jake! I'm so glad that there are only a few people are like that. Most people ask me how you are doing and are concerned for you. They pray for your return to good health. Still, there are many who don't understand that your baldness was not your choice. If it were up to you, your hair would be down in your eyes again! Then there would be those people who would wonder why you don't get your hair out of your eyes! Thanks for your patience, Jake! We love you no matter where your hair is!
Jmom

Yeah Jake! :)

2010-09-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

Sigh, cry...

2010-09-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Chemo round 10: another hospital stay, another bunch of bills...30 more weeks of this! Ugh!
I know, I know....hang in there, chin up, have faith, just keep swimming....
It's hard to keep a good attitude while you watch your child deal with getting his insides fried and getting so skinny, you can't find any fat on his body to give him the shot he needs. It hurts enough to make a grown man cry, but he doesn't...but he winces in pain, pain that I am causing him...it's breaking my heart!

Maybe I shouldn't write about the hard days. Not very inspiring is it.

Well, here is the part where I count my many blessings:
1. Radiation will be over on Thursday! :)
2. My friend, Jenene, helped me clean out the freezers...less mess, less stress!
3. Jake has not had the worse side effects from Radiation and Chemo.
4. The swelling is getting better.
5. I can still get Jake to smile...most of the time.
6. I received some beautiful flowers on Sunday to remind me that I am loved.
7. One of my sweet Primary girls made me some cute magnets to put on my fridge.
8. I still have Hope!

My boys...

2010-09-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Put Jake and the boys in front of a box of legos and it keeps them busy for hours!

Chemo: Round 8

2010-09-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

For the first time, Jake went to chemo without me! I was ready to go, but John and Austin wanted to go with him, then go for pizza after. It was our anniversary and I had a bunch of stuff to do, so I was grateful for the extra time off. His blood counts were pretty low so we got to take a trip in and do a blood transfusion after radiation therapy on Wednesday. We are figuring out what "normal" is, and I think Jake is comfortable handling this on his own sometimes.
Jake just did his labs on Friday. All of his counts were up! No more Neupagen shots this week!
Happy Dance!

Life's Little Lessons

2010-08-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

First of all, Jake is doing well. He was a bit ornery this last inpatient chemo, but let's face it, having cancer is no picnic! So he's entitled to bad days on occasion. Jake has kept a pretty good attitude thus far. We are looking forward to round 8 of chemo this week and continuing with two more weeks of radiation therapy, M-F. I asked the Oncologist if they checked the progress and he was doing well, if they would quit the chemo and call it good. She said that it only takes one single cancer cell to have the cancer come back, so it's a full 40 weeks of chemo. April 12th is the target last day of chemo! So far his counts have been good enough to have chemo on the scheduled days, so that's good.

My good friend Jenene was asking me about how things were going. I made the mistake of taking inventory of all that is on my plate at this time. Suddenly I found myself headed for the Pity Party Boat. It's pretty over whelming when I sit and think about everything I have to manage in my life and all of those souls who depend on me to help them with theirs. (Deep breath) I can no longer comprehend all that I have to do...but I have to just take it one day at a time and try to fit all the important stuff in. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should take a break from teaching Primary, but then the question came... can you afford to lose the blessings that come from that. Later, as I was sitting in church, singing hymns, the thought came...the words to the song is: Count Your Many Blessings...not Count your many challenges!

One of my many blessings is that God puts people in my life so I don't have to don't have to carry my part of my load by myself! Just enough to often remind me that God is aware of my life and my hurts, worries and challenges and He is never too busy or too consumed by other things to be there for me. As amazing as that sounds and incomprehensible to know that He does that for all of His children who will let Him, it is a great comfort and strength to me to be able to depend on that. I can't begin to list all the lessons He continues to teach and remind me of. I am amazed at the lessons He teaches me through all of my daily life moments, through a song, a BYU talk I happen to catch a couple minutes of or a book or article that I glance at. Sometimes it just the act of sharing my testimony or personal experience with someone that testifies of His love for me. It's like I'm on an accelerated learning course and if I duck my head into the self pity bag, I miss all the lessons that He has to teach me. Sometimes, I'll be listening to an old talk and He pricks my heart with a few key words (like: Hey, I want you to listen to this!) then He opens up my level of understanding just a bit more than I had before. Then He waits to see what I will do with that new level of understanding.

So much to learn...so little time!

Happy Dance

2010-08-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

Chemo #6: Last week his ANC (ability to fight infection) went down to 0. This is not good. This means we have to give him a shot in the stomach every night...which he hates! It burns when it goes in and for a time afterwards. However, the shots (and prayers) helped because his counts were fabulous today 9.9! He also gained a pound! Who would have thought that gaining weight would be a GOOD thing! Too bad you can't do that by proxy! I would have had him covered for sure! ;)

Next week is another overnight stay. They have Xbox 360's in the rooms, but only one game that's not for little kids (Need for Speed Proshift). If anyone has any games he can borrow for the night, let us know!

It's only August and we already used up all of our Flex spending. Well, we'll just keep paying our tithing and wait for the next miracle to show up!

On a lighter note, Zack and the boys got a short-term job to earn a little money for school and their own bills. Zack is trying to get school registration figured out at UVU.

Mike and Spencer are trying to wrap their minds around the fact that school will start for them next week! Come to think of it, so am I! New Schedule!

Dave is still doing his same old thing. I still try to play racquetball when I can. I'm daring to get back on an exercise program with my niece, Jessica.

Thanks for your continued prayers and thoughtfulness!

Today is a good day! Let's celebrate!

Roller Coaster!

2010-08-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

Life with cancer has really been a roller coaster ride! I had lunch with my brother Sam and we were talking about how he had life so good with a super wife/best friend and 3 awesome boys, fantastic in-laws and lots of close family support. Everyone is relatively healthy, good job, nice ward, nice neighbors. My life was like that not long ago. It made us both grateful for the goodness we have in our lives. He has a neighbor who is having a hard time dealing with the news of his cancer. Even though it is treatable, he has already fallen into hopelessness, which is a very sad state to be in, no matter what your situation is.

You know, my worst day wasn't when the first doctor told me that Jake had cancer, it was when the last doctor told me that there was no hope that he didn't have cancer! Then came the grief and shock and sadness and wondering how this happened to Jake! But then, came the hope again. Hope that the doctors could treat this illness, hope that Jake would be able to withstand the side effects of the treatments and keep a good attitude, hope that I could deal with this without having too many break downs, hope that we could afford the financial strain that comes with treatment, hope that I could manage my life in a way that every good/important thing could stay on my plate and that somehow I could be super woman and handle it all!

Every child dreams of what their life will be like and hardly anyone's lives live up to those dreams. Sometimes they are more fantastic than we could have imagined. Many times there is much more tragedy than we expected and we ask God, "Really! Is this what I signed up for?!" and He'll say, "Yes! Isn't it fabulous how much you've grown already! Don't walk away from the blessings!"

Here is the chemo song I wrote for Emily. Who knew I would sing it for my own child!

Chemo makes me sick!
I don't like it a bit!
I lost my hair!
But I don't care, cause...
I am a child of God
and He has sent me here
has given me an earthly home
with family kind and dear.
Lead me guide me walk beside me
help me find the way.
Teach me all that I should do
to live with Him some day!
(I Am a Child of God words by Naomi Ward Randall)

p.s. Roller Coasters are very exciting to ride!!! Some parts fun, some parts not-so-much! Never a dull moment! :)
Life is good!