Dear Jake,

You're getting a new sister-in-law!  You'll love Caitlin!

I bet you saw Mike getting stuck last night in the mud!  I could just hear you laughing!  Just remember...I came and pulled you out last winter when you got stuck! 

John is "best friends" with Addie now...that's what she told me today.  John's a very patient guy.

So what's new with you?  Are you dating anyone or still learning the ropes up there?  ...or both!

Life is really changing around here! 

Love and miss you bud!

Mom

Dear Jake...

Dear Jake,

Oh how I miss that face of yours!  We all loved the blankets you hugged for us and Sylvia did a great job with the monograms!  Sometimes, when I think I'm doing fine, then I look at a picture of you and the aching for your hugs and just to be in your presence, comes right back.  I know you found our talks annoying sometimes, but it's the part I cherish now.  All the teasing took the sting out of the seriousness of what you had to go through and that you were leaving us soon.

Yes, I have 4 other boys to love and cherish as I did you...but it's not the same.  No one can replace you, Jake!  Sometimes you were a pain in the butt...but so was I at your age.

I wish you could share with me what you're doing now.  Please keep being amazing.  I'm guessing that you saw Uncle Bob come your way...now you get to see all my uncles...and some of yours.  I can't be sad that you are where you need to be, but not being part of your life makes me sad.  I think it always will...so I try not to go there too much.

As I reflect on 2011, I'm trying to decide if it was a good year or a bad year.  Perhaps it was good and bad...Bad because you left, Good because of all the love we felt in the process and how much we have grown.  Ugh...bad because you left us!  My heart is still reeling from that one...yet I have never been more aware of how much God loves us...that part is also hard to forget!

So, Jake...2012 won't compare to 2011.  I'm hoping we won't have the heartache we had last year, but we won't have the amazing love and miracles we saw last year either...so that part is going to have to last us a while.  I hope it's not as hard to find joy this year.  Some of my joy left with you, Jake...but I know there is more out there to find...and I hope it finds me!

Love you, bud!  Hope Christmas was awesome for you!

Love,
Mom

A Holladay Christmas



A week or so before Jake passed, I asked him if he would like to get each family member a Christmas gift.  Not the usual game they would play for a while, then get tired of...but something special.  He said yes.  I stopped at Kohls and picked up some blankets, then with Grandma Sweet in tow, I took the blankets into Jake and told him who each one was for and he thought of them and hugged each one.

Grandma wanted one too.  I hadn't bought any extras, but had a spare smaller one in my closet.  She wanted it, so I handed the blanket to Jake and told him it was for grandma.  He started to hug it, but remembering he called her "the kissing grandma", he gave the blanket kisses.  I turned to my mom and said, "Awe...he gave you kisses!"  Of course, she started bawling and ran out of the room.  I told Jake I wanted kisses for my blanket too, so I returned my blanket to his arms and he gave me kisses and long hugs.

I gave the blankets to my friend, Sylvia, and she embroiderd Jake's name on a piece of one of his favorite t-shirts and the person's name it was for underneath.  She waited until the 23rd to finish it...which coincidentally, was the anniversary of the day we received our special Christmas gifts last year.

After we had opened all the gifts under the tree...I heard Jake say..."What about my gifts?!"  I had everyone come back to the tree and I explained Jake's gift to them.  We had given a "Holladay Hug" blanket to a dear family friend right after our family trip.  Sylvia thought that Zack's girlfriend, Caitlin needed to have a Holladay Hug blanket also (the pink one Zack's holding).  We all hugged it before we gave it to Caitlin.

Right after Jake died, I hugged him and held him because I could finally do it without causing him so much pain.  I could still feel the warmth on the back of his neck...it was almost hot to the touch.  As I wore his blanket to me around my neck...I felt my neck become so warm...it was almost hot to touch.  I could hear Jake say..."It may not feel like my hugs, but it's the best I can do from here!"

Today, I felt the best gift...I can feel my heart healing...wrapped in Peace and Love and it's safe.  The sadness is finding its way out and the Peace is finding its way in.

Addendum:  The boys love their blankets!  It's so sweet to see them wrapped up in them in their beds.  Guys don't want to talk much about their sad feelings.  It's their way of saying, "I miss you Jake!"

My First Christmas In Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tears

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always more important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,

For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.Remember,

I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Until we meet again..

This stone brings some closure for me...but I can't help think how different this Christmas will be.  Sometimes pondering this thought makes me cry...but I try not to let it last for more than 5 minutes.

Here is the wreath and hook that someone put up.  It made the difference for me...between feeling sadness and feeling love.  There is a sign that says PEACE, some bells, a poinsetta and a little angel.  So sweet.  There were some blue lights on a battery-operated strand...but when I stopped to replace the batteries, someone had taken it.  I hope it was the person that left it and not a grave robber!



Sacred Places...

We often regard the places that Christ has visited as Sacred Places.
---The Holy Land
---The Sacred Grove
---Temples...and my heart

Christ has been in my heart.
He warms it.
He holds it.
He mends it.
He strengthens it.
He lives in it.

My heart is a sacred place!

The Spirit of Christmas!

Dave and I went to visit Jake's grave site today to check to see if the stone was on yet. To our surprise, someone had left a beautiful wreath on a hook, a little angel, a sign that said "Peace" and some jingles hanging also on the post.

Instead of sadness...I felt love.

The Spirit of Christmas!

Who knew that would be the stitches to hold together a broken...but grateful heart!

Thank you!