Jord

Hey Jake!  Did you know Jord was headed your way?  We sure didn't!

I love this picture of you two together!  If you can't be here with us, I'm glad you were there for Jordan when he arrived.  I'm sure you have met his grandma Thurston by now...so many heading your way!  What's up with that?!!  More babies...less funerals!

There was a moment there when I thought it was too much...Yet with a few hugs and a ride up AF Canyon on the Can Am, ...perhaps some help from your side... I found the strength to keep going.

Seems like you have been gone such a long time.  I don't even have the luxury of wondering when you will be coming back.  Nevertheless, my love for you will keep us connected until I get to come where you are. 

Thanks for watching over us, Jake!  Hurry up with the Heaven Skype!  The waiting list is getting longer and longer down here!

Love,
Your favorite mom in the whole universe!

Dear Jake...

Dear Jake,

I know it makes you sad when I'm sad...so thank you for helping me to feel joy again.  Did you see me ride the 4-wheeler to Kohlers the other day?  I thought you would get a kick out of that!  Rick W. called me over and tried to tell me I was doing something illegal, but I was able to convince him otherwise!  It was fun riding down Main Street on my bright yellow ATV!  I've got to find a trailer to fit it so I can go riding on the trails! 

It's different in our house now!  You and Zack are gone, John has a full time job, Mike is hardly here...mostly it's me and Spencer...so sudden!  Quite an adjustment for me! 

Hope you're learning lots of cool stuff!  It's just so weird not to be able to see you!  Tomorrow we will take a flower to your grave site.  I hate that you are in that group...but no more that Uncle James hates that Tom is with you, and Uncle Jack, Uncle Phil...etc., etc....  I know it's part of the life cycle...doesn't mean I have to like it.

I hope you feel joy where you are, Jake!  My wish is that if I were able to see you now, my mouth would be tired of smiling...just as it was the day Zack married Caitlin.  So happy to see Zack move on with his life and be happy.  That was one of my best days!  I hope whatever you are doing and experiencing now brings you joy!  I hope you feel loved and that you can give the love that fills you so abundantly. 

Remember, having a great life is all in the attitude you keep. 

Love and miss you, Jake!
Big mommy hug!

What good is Hope?

Another Stake Conference come and gone.  Some inspiring words.  What I felt most inspired to do is to write this post.  President West talked about the woman who touched Christ's clothing and by her faith, she was healed of her blood issue.  So many stories of faith and healing.  Then there are the quotes in the bible that say...ask and it shall be given, knock and it shall be opened unto you. 

So why wasn't Jake healed?  What good was it to have hope that he would be ok or that the treatments would work?  If I had time to research I could list some quotes to tell you what the prophets and apostles have said.  You can do that if you want.  I asked God this question and this is what He told me. 

Trials are a package deal.  Hope helps you get through them, but you need to have hope for the right things. 

My hope for Jake, was that whatever was best for him would happen.  Being human, I was unqualified to know what that was...so I had to trust that God knew what that was.  I love Jake so much that even if it meant I could no longer see him live his life...if the best thing for him was to go back to God, then that was what I hoped for.

Now Jake is on the other side of the veil helping to coordinate what is best for me...even if that means I have to stay here and endure many more trials, many more heart breaks and much more joy.  Yes, joy has shown her pretty little face again, in my life.  I really missed her!

It's been 7 months now, since Jake left.  I've cried some good tears.  It's the deepest sorrow I never imagined possible...but my heart is healing.  Not every thought of Jake brings a tear.  I feel that it hurts him to know how much I cry and how much my heart aches and he is doing everything he can to see me smile and hear my laugh again.

Perhaps I will never know why it was better for Jake to go, though I can't really say he left, because it seems he spends more time with me now than when he was alive and healthy.

Am I stronger now?  I sure hope so. 
Can I endure anything?  I hope I don't have to find out.
But whatever God needs me to endure, I know He will be there for me and I have learned that so many of you will be there for me...and I am strong enough to be there for you...because that is what we do.  We love each other and we lift hands that hang down.

I am not done loving or living or helping or assisting or serving...so we go on.

I'm wondering...

It's been 5 months now, since we laid Jake's body to rest in our newly acquired plot of land at the Lehi Cemetary.  I'm wondering when the ache in my heart will stop.  When can I think of my Jake without tears running down my face or out and out bawling.  He may be better off...but I'm not.

No regrets, but...I can't stop my heart from hurting. 
I feel peace.
I feel loved.
But...I also feel the deepest sorrow I never thought possible.  It's helped me understand how deeply I love my children...all of them, and how connected to them I am...and how grateful I am for the knowledge that I will be with them in the life hereafter.

A painfully deep lesson to learn...wrapped in love from God.

Excerpt from the Book of Jake year 2000

Jake and his "imaginary wife" Boo Fahrner

My talents:  being good at math, sports, swimming, computer and mowing the grass.

My appearance is handsome, usually wear sweats in winter and shorts in summer.  I have blond hair and blue eyes.  I am pretty short and skinny.

My girlfriends are Tera Street, Kara Lubbers and Sarah Hamatake.  My best Friend is Derick.  My first pet was a cat named Tigger.

My favorite neighbors are the Lubbers.  I liked to play with the remote control cars.

My life goals are:  doing building for 6 years, being a nurse for 18 years, to get married to a pretty girl, build a nice house, get a good job and have a good mission.

I want to have three kids.  I am going to have a pretty wife.  I'm going to take her to Golden Corral.  To impress her before we get married, I'm going to show her some really good jewels and buy her a really nice ring  I'm going to take her on lots of dates before we get married.  I'm going to buy her some really cool lamps.

Dear Jake,

You're getting a new sister-in-law!  You'll love Caitlin!

I bet you saw Mike getting stuck last night in the mud!  I could just hear you laughing!  Just remember...I came and pulled you out last winter when you got stuck! 

John is "best friends" with Addie now...that's what she told me today.  John's a very patient guy.

So what's new with you?  Are you dating anyone or still learning the ropes up there?  ...or both!

Life is really changing around here! 

Love and miss you bud!

Mom

Dear Jake...

Dear Jake,

Oh how I miss that face of yours!  We all loved the blankets you hugged for us and Sylvia did a great job with the monograms!  Sometimes, when I think I'm doing fine, then I look at a picture of you and the aching for your hugs and just to be in your presence, comes right back.  I know you found our talks annoying sometimes, but it's the part I cherish now.  All the teasing took the sting out of the seriousness of what you had to go through and that you were leaving us soon.

Yes, I have 4 other boys to love and cherish as I did you...but it's not the same.  No one can replace you, Jake!  Sometimes you were a pain in the butt...but so was I at your age.

I wish you could share with me what you're doing now.  Please keep being amazing.  I'm guessing that you saw Uncle Bob come your way...now you get to see all my uncles...and some of yours.  I can't be sad that you are where you need to be, but not being part of your life makes me sad.  I think it always will...so I try not to go there too much.

As I reflect on 2011, I'm trying to decide if it was a good year or a bad year.  Perhaps it was good and bad...Bad because you left, Good because of all the love we felt in the process and how much we have grown.  Ugh...bad because you left us!  My heart is still reeling from that one...yet I have never been more aware of how much God loves us...that part is also hard to forget!

So, Jake...2012 won't compare to 2011.  I'm hoping we won't have the heartache we had last year, but we won't have the amazing love and miracles we saw last year either...so that part is going to have to last us a while.  I hope it's not as hard to find joy this year.  Some of my joy left with you, Jake...but I know there is more out there to find...and I hope it finds me!

Love you, bud!  Hope Christmas was awesome for you!

Love,
Mom