2nd Visit

I stopped again, at the saddest place I've ever been...in my heart and in this world...Jake's grave site.  The base stone is in and the headstone is coming soon...a sad reminder of who I'm missing.

How I wish I couldn't relate to others who have buried a child!

Oh, Jake!  I know you are in a fabulous place...but when will my heart stop hurting so?  Does time heal all wounds?  If it does...let's let time speed to that place where my heart doesn't ache so much when I think of the fact that I won't get to talk to you for a long, long time...when thoughts of the love and the Jake and Mom bonding time we are missing doesn't bring tears and silence of words because I am too choked up or crying.

You know, I don't live in that sad place all the time...just when I reflect and ponder.

Jake, you're pretty great with computers.  Could you sign me up for Heaven Skype...life time membership?  I just want to talk to you and see what you've been up to.  I want to know who you hang out with, where you have visited, who you've met and what you're doing now.  Are you dating anyone?  I know there are lots of beautiful girls up there! 

How are you?  Do you miss us too, or is it different because you can see us?  I still love the banter between me and the boys...but we sure miss your input!  You are just so funny!  You're one of a kind, Jake!  We are just trying to get along without you!

You've probably seen that John and Zack got jobs and Zack found himself a girlfriend!  Don't worry, I think John and Mike will tease her enough for you....Caitlin!...I love you!  I'll make sure they say that for you!  I'm sorry she didn't get to know you, Jake!  She would love you too!

You know what's weird?  When I go shopping, I have to think about who I'm buying stuff for!  You know that some of the groceries were you're favorites or your requests.  When I'm putting stuff in the cart I have to think...now who is it that likes this?  There seems to be a lot of unopened boxes of Lucky Charms in the food storage room.  I guess when Mike brings all his friends over and wants to feed them, I'll tell them they can have Lucky Charms.

Let me know when you get that Heaven Skype up and running, will you? 
I miss you, bud!  Sometimes more that my heart can hold.

Big Mommy Hug!

Still life to live...

My heart does not live in sadness...but when I see pictures of those beautiful blue eyes or ponder on the sweet memories of Jake, gratitude for those times does not yet outweigh the emptiness of thier departure...but some day ...they will. So we focus on not letting the awesomeness of today get lost in the sadness of yesterday...so my new profile pic is no longer who I miss, but who I still hug every night...because there is still life to live and love to give.

1st Visit

Today, I stopped to visit Jake's grave for the first time today. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness...a sad reminder that I won't be talking to my boy for a long time. Sections of dead grass to mark the spot and a small stick with his name...well part of his name...you can just read Charles Holladay...so I hope the monument people aren't confused when they set the stone next week.

The social worker stopped in Friday to see how we were doing. She asked what was the hardest part for me...I said talking about it...reliving the pain. I guess when you live with someone for 20 years...you get used to having them around. We all miss him...alot