Happy and Sad at the same time!

Here's an update from after our trip.

Traveling is very uncomfortable for Jake.  Anything but lying down with his legs propped up is a painful experience.  Even carrying him from room to room is too painful.  Everywhere we touch is pained with tumors...except his feet, hands and face.  He still winces when I plant a big wet kiss on his forehead.  When I asked him what he wanted today, listing off food items first, he whispered he didn't want anything, so I said, "A kiss?"  His eyes went all wide and he pulled back a little!  I had a good laugh at that!  Still my Jakey!

The last two days he has spent most of sleeping.  He doesn't eat much...I think the last thing he ate was some soup our friend Jodie brought over on Monday.  The rest is drinking juice.  He has been sleeping with his mouth open and that makes his mouth very dry...(all of his grandparents sleep with their mouths open so he didn't stand a chance! haha) 

I tried to get him on a morphine drip to help with the pain.  He didn't want anything to do with IV's, and when the nurse didn't get the first try to work...he wouldn't let her try again.   ...so he manages his pain with pills and I told him when he is tired of the pain, we can hook him up. 

I try to look for the good times to have some serious talks about if he has any preferences on funeral stuff, head stones, etc.  My favorite was:  I win!  You're still in the game.  Be Awesome!  It reminds me of the game of LIFE.  Who ever gets to the mansion first with the most, wins!  He must have found one quick short cut to the finish!

I told my friend today I have come full circle with Jake.  Back to changing diapers, feeding and bathing and trying to make him smile.  When you are birthing, every contraction you feel...you wonder if this is it...is this the start of the birth!  Now with each thing Jake is going through I wonder...is this it?  Is this his time to go...to start his new life...the life I don't get to see anymore?

People have asked if I want Hospice to come in and help.  I'm not sure what they would do better than I can.  When the twins were born, I knew there was no one in this world more fit to take care of my three boys, 22 months and under, than I was.  I had all of the equipment, the patience and the love that they needed.  Now I feel the same way about Jake.  I picture Christ washing the feet of his disciples...wasn't it Peter who wanted him to wash all of him?  It's an honor to take care of Jake.  Why would I want to pass that on to anyone else?  I'm not stressed out about it.  It doesn't make me overly tired...I have the equipment, the patience and the love that he needs.  Some say that the hospice people can help me get through it easier.  God is helping me right now...I don't think anyone can do a better job than Him.  I don't feel the need to pay people to be nice to us...I have the most awesome friends and family already!  Strangers have shown us much kindness!  Even the guy who parks our car at the PCMC valet service (Daniel) prays for us all the time.

Our doctor is awesome about answering questions and keeping in touch and making Jake as comfortable as possible.  She lets me take as much time as I want...even if I'm just telling her something funny that Jake said.  Thanks for your concern and compassion, Dr. Wright!  You are awesome!

We are doing fine!  I try not to look like the person who is waiting for her son to die...although after missing a days shower, a guy at the gym told me I didn't look too great!  What...I wanted to get my workout in before I showered!  We are all trying to live in a happy state.  There will be plenty of time after Jake is gone to be sad.  It is possible to be happy and sad at the same time.  I have to look a little harder to find joy...but it can be done...I asked God to help me see it...and He did.

Good information to know:

If you want to visit Jake (and we welcome visitors...just not a ton at a time) he is usually willing to sit up and talk late afternoon to evening.  Mornings he has been sleeping...alot.  I don't expect to even get coherent words out of his mouth until maybe 1:00 pm.  Note:  Jake especially loves it when the girls (not the Mrs. kind) come visit!

Jake can't digest much food, and like I said, he has just been drinking these past few days...so if you are making a special treat for him, please don't be offended if he doesn't eat any of it.  Brothers have no problem taking care of the treats for Jake...it's a service they are happy to render!

If you want to do something, but you don't know what would be helpful, please feel free to call, text or comment.  I won't ask...even if you tell me to...but if you ask me I'll let you know.  If you're too far away, prayers are always welcome!  We are praying that Jake can be out of pain and be at peace.  Everyone has been so awesome already!  We wish you many blessings for your kindness to us!

Thanks for your interest in Jake and our family.