Well, that didn’t work out the way I intended! I can't say it didn't work out the way I had hoped...because I hoped for what was best for Jake and that is what I got.
I wondered why God just didn’t tell me that all the treatments weren’t going to cure his cancer…that ultimately; physical death was the final cure for his pain, tumors and to become cancer free. I’ve come to understand that the whole journey is a process. If those parts could have been left out, they would have. Each experience has a purpose. Some are to help others through their journey…not necessarily to make it easier for them, but for them to experience everything God has planned for them to experience…for their learning and growth…to complete their earthly experience. Ours is not to ask why, for it is not God’s purpose for us to understand all things in this life. But ours is to live our lives just as God intended, touching other’s in ways that will impact them for good.
We always hope that we are doing it right. We hope that we are there to impact the right people at the right time. It doesn’t always mean that we live the lives we have dreamed for ourselves. In fact, more likely, it means we live the lives we never dreamed for ourselves.
I think the media tries to dictate who we should be and how we should feel when certain things happen in your life. …so I expected a lot of grief and tears, emptiness and sorrow, tremendous loss, disappointment and days of depression. But that’s not how I feel at all! I’m disappointed I don’t get to see or hug Jake, or talk to him like we used to. There’s no teasing or laughing at each other’s jokes. He doesn’t stand in the dark and try to scare me at the bottom of the stairs, or sneak up on me while I’m in the laundry room. While looking at him in his casket, I was hoping that he would open his eyes or grab my hand and scare the crap out of me…then hug me and tell me that everything was ok now. I would have punched him for scaring me, (an uncontrolled reflex!) then hugged him for a very long time.
What I feel is peace. Every parent wants their kids to move on when they are adults and that’s what Jake did…just not in the way I was expecting. I’m sure he’s going to school, taking classes, meeting lots of pretty girls, dating and having the time of his life. He too is sad that we have lost the communication system we had going here, but our love still binds our hearts together…I feel him close all the time…so I’m not missing him like I thought I would. Perhaps if he left completely and quickly, I would feel the emptiness and tremendous loss…but what I feel is that he continues on…living his life where I can not see or share.
I also feel a great relief of stress and worry and time and heartache. My heart no longer breaks… because the pain is gone from Jake, and therefore it is gone from mom. It surprises me, a little, how connected to his pain I was…because of the immense peace I felt when it was over.
Most of my grief and crying was done in anticipation, before he passed. And there was much of it. Now…we are adjusting…we are fine.
Grateful, I am, knowing where he is. I don’t feel comfortable or truthful saying that I have lost my son. He is not lost to me or to God. He is right where he is suppose to be, doing what he’s suppose to do…finally!
I’m happy for him, as I would be for a son who got accepted into a prominent institution of higher learning and had to go away for more schooling…and oh, the things he will learn! Fabulous travel experiences, incredible teachers, awesome friends, dating experiences, love…endless possibilities! They will love him there as we loved him here! He will make them laugh with his Jake-isms and he will love his life!
Jake, I hope you find your niche in the place where you now reside. I hope whoever your companions are there can help you see your awesomeness…in a way you were never able to see it here. Your sacrifice and love here was nothing less than amazing. May you recognize all of the gifts God has bestowed upon you and use them wisely. May you find the love of your life in your travels…you know, the girl that makes you smile when you talk about her, the one who you can’t wait to see and share with, the one who loves to hold your hand and make you laugh! The one who makes you want to live better! The one you will hold in your heart forever! The one you can’t wait for me to meet!
May the time between our hugs be long enough, but seem short. You are in my heart…always!
Love you bud!
Mom
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