A Holladay Christmas



A week or so before Jake passed, I asked him if he would like to get each family member a Christmas gift.  Not the usual game they would play for a while, then get tired of...but something special.  He said yes.  I stopped at Kohls and picked up some blankets, then with Grandma Sweet in tow, I took the blankets into Jake and told him who each one was for and he thought of them and hugged each one.

Grandma wanted one too.  I hadn't bought any extras, but had a spare smaller one in my closet.  She wanted it, so I handed the blanket to Jake and told him it was for grandma.  He started to hug it, but remembering he called her "the kissing grandma", he gave the blanket kisses.  I turned to my mom and said, "Awe...he gave you kisses!"  Of course, she started bawling and ran out of the room.  I told Jake I wanted kisses for my blanket too, so I returned my blanket to his arms and he gave me kisses and long hugs.

I gave the blankets to my friend, Sylvia, and she embroiderd Jake's name on a piece of one of his favorite t-shirts and the person's name it was for underneath.  She waited until the 23rd to finish it...which coincidentally, was the anniversary of the day we received our special Christmas gifts last year.

After we had opened all the gifts under the tree...I heard Jake say..."What about my gifts?!"  I had everyone come back to the tree and I explained Jake's gift to them.  We had given a "Holladay Hug" blanket to a dear family friend right after our family trip.  Sylvia thought that Zack's girlfriend, Caitlin needed to have a Holladay Hug blanket also (the pink one Zack's holding).  We all hugged it before we gave it to Caitlin.

Right after Jake died, I hugged him and held him because I could finally do it without causing him so much pain.  I could still feel the warmth on the back of his neck...it was almost hot to the touch.  As I wore his blanket to me around my neck...I felt my neck become so warm...it was almost hot to touch.  I could hear Jake say..."It may not feel like my hugs, but it's the best I can do from here!"

Today, I felt the best gift...I can feel my heart healing...wrapped in Peace and Love and it's safe.  The sadness is finding its way out and the Peace is finding its way in.

Addendum:  The boys love their blankets!  It's so sweet to see them wrapped up in them in their beds.  Guys don't want to talk much about their sad feelings.  It's their way of saying, "I miss you Jake!"

My First Christmas In Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tears

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always more important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,

For I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.Remember,

I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Until we meet again..

This stone brings some closure for me...but I can't help think how different this Christmas will be.  Sometimes pondering this thought makes me cry...but I try not to let it last for more than 5 minutes.

Here is the wreath and hook that someone put up.  It made the difference for me...between feeling sadness and feeling love.  There is a sign that says PEACE, some bells, a poinsetta and a little angel.  So sweet.  There were some blue lights on a battery-operated strand...but when I stopped to replace the batteries, someone had taken it.  I hope it was the person that left it and not a grave robber!



Sacred Places...

We often regard the places that Christ has visited as Sacred Places.
---The Holy Land
---The Sacred Grove
---Temples...and my heart

Christ has been in my heart.
He warms it.
He holds it.
He mends it.
He strengthens it.
He lives in it.

My heart is a sacred place!

The Spirit of Christmas!

Dave and I went to visit Jake's grave site today to check to see if the stone was on yet. To our surprise, someone had left a beautiful wreath on a hook, a little angel, a sign that said "Peace" and some jingles hanging also on the post.

Instead of sadness...I felt love.

The Spirit of Christmas!

Who knew that would be the stitches to hold together a broken...but grateful heart!

Thank you!

2nd Visit

I stopped again, at the saddest place I've ever been...in my heart and in this world...Jake's grave site.  The base stone is in and the headstone is coming soon...a sad reminder of who I'm missing.

How I wish I couldn't relate to others who have buried a child!

Oh, Jake!  I know you are in a fabulous place...but when will my heart stop hurting so?  Does time heal all wounds?  If it does...let's let time speed to that place where my heart doesn't ache so much when I think of the fact that I won't get to talk to you for a long, long time...when thoughts of the love and the Jake and Mom bonding time we are missing doesn't bring tears and silence of words because I am too choked up or crying.

You know, I don't live in that sad place all the time...just when I reflect and ponder.

Jake, you're pretty great with computers.  Could you sign me up for Heaven Skype...life time membership?  I just want to talk to you and see what you've been up to.  I want to know who you hang out with, where you have visited, who you've met and what you're doing now.  Are you dating anyone?  I know there are lots of beautiful girls up there! 

How are you?  Do you miss us too, or is it different because you can see us?  I still love the banter between me and the boys...but we sure miss your input!  You are just so funny!  You're one of a kind, Jake!  We are just trying to get along without you!

You've probably seen that John and Zack got jobs and Zack found himself a girlfriend!  Don't worry, I think John and Mike will tease her enough for you....Caitlin!...I love you!  I'll make sure they say that for you!  I'm sorry she didn't get to know you, Jake!  She would love you too!

You know what's weird?  When I go shopping, I have to think about who I'm buying stuff for!  You know that some of the groceries were you're favorites or your requests.  When I'm putting stuff in the cart I have to think...now who is it that likes this?  There seems to be a lot of unopened boxes of Lucky Charms in the food storage room.  I guess when Mike brings all his friends over and wants to feed them, I'll tell them they can have Lucky Charms.

Let me know when you get that Heaven Skype up and running, will you? 
I miss you, bud!  Sometimes more that my heart can hold.

Big Mommy Hug!

Still life to live...

My heart does not live in sadness...but when I see pictures of those beautiful blue eyes or ponder on the sweet memories of Jake, gratitude for those times does not yet outweigh the emptiness of thier departure...but some day ...they will. So we focus on not letting the awesomeness of today get lost in the sadness of yesterday...so my new profile pic is no longer who I miss, but who I still hug every night...because there is still life to live and love to give.

1st Visit

Today, I stopped to visit Jake's grave for the first time today. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness...a sad reminder that I won't be talking to my boy for a long time. Sections of dead grass to mark the spot and a small stick with his name...well part of his name...you can just read Charles Holladay...so I hope the monument people aren't confused when they set the stone next week.

The social worker stopped in Friday to see how we were doing. She asked what was the hardest part for me...I said talking about it...reliving the pain. I guess when you live with someone for 20 years...you get used to having them around. We all miss him...alot

A month ago today...

A month ago today, about the same hour as I am typing this blog update, I was sitting in Jake's room listening to his labored breathing.  His nurse was there...she had told me a couple hours prior that Jake would not be here much longer.  I asked her if I should call Dave...he would be home in a couple hours anyway...she said I should call.  Dave left his work immediately and was there with Jake as he passed from this life to the next. 

I told Jake it was ok to go...he would be pain free.  What would feel worse for me...having Jake in excruciating pain, or not seeing Jake for a long, long time.  The house and yard were full of spirits waiting for Jake.  I couldn't walk to the kitchen without walking through spirits.  The feeling was amazing, calm and so much love!  As his breathing stopped, I held him tight...finally I could hold him and hug him without causing him pain and discomfort.  His neck was so warm, it was hard to believe that his spirit had left.  Yet my head on his chest, no beating heart, no labored breathing, no wincing in pain...I could still feel him there.  So I told him it was an honor to be his mother...and I heard his voice say...It was an honor to be your son!

Ripples...

You never know how your life will affect another persons.  It may be something you say to them, or it could be just the way you live, what you believe or in Jake's case, the way you pass on to your new life.  This is the touching story of someone who let goodness back in their life:

Hi Rose!
You and I don't know each other but...
I would like to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I can only imagine. Best wishes for you and your family.

The reason I am writing you is to tell you how much Jake and Mike have impacted my life. I never met Jake, but through him my life has been changed.

For a long time I was really struggling with a lot of things. Lots of self pity, Lots of why me, and lots and lots of sin. I would describe myself as hard hearted, to say the least. I didn't want anything to do with church, the atonement, the Savior, eternal family, none of it. When I think back to who I was and how I felt just a few weeks ago I cringe. I never want to be that person again.

This is the part that you get involved. You and sweet Michael. I knew a little about the situation, and really felt sympathy for your family. Which was strange because I hadn't felt anything but selfish and greedy feelings for countless months. It was nice to worry about someone other than me.

One night I was whining to Mike about trivial things in my life. He was very sweet about it but basically told me to stop whining and realize the beauty in life. We talked about him and his faith. A lot about life, God, death, family. Things of that nature.

Through Mikes faith when Jake left, I really started to remember what it was like to have faith in something. He would tell me that everything was going to be okay, because he knew that this separation was temporary. That he had an eternal family and would one day be with him again.

That night, I sat and I cried for hours. It was the first time I had felt emotion like that in a long time, and it felt good. Something about this situation softened my soul to the point that I could feel again, something positive. Just a little at first, but growing steadily. It was enough of a shock to me that I wanted nothing to do with the person that I was. I wanted to be different, and better.

I went back to church again because of it. I haven't missed a week since. I have started repenting because of your boys. All of this is with the most honest and pure intentions I have ever felt, because I want an eternal family too. I want to have the faith that goodbye is not goodbye, but a see you later.

Rose, I really can't begin to explain how different things have been. I don't know how you feel, but I do know, that if nothing else, I want to raise my children like you have raised yours. To rely on faith, and the Atonement, the plan of salvation, and most importantly to trust God. I don't think you will ever know how many people have been effected by the good example your boys have set. I am forever thankful. I was telling my Bishop in one of our weekly meetings of Jake and what really was my wake up call, and how I really wish that it had been different for your family. I didn't understand why, and he told me ever so sweetly, that heaven needed a hero.

Jake’s Cancer Journey…Part 3

Well, that didn’t work out the way I intended!  I can't say it didn't work out the way I had hoped...because I hoped for what was best for Jake and that is what I got. 

I wondered why God just didn’t tell me that all the treatments weren’t going to cure his cancer…that ultimately; physical death was the final cure for his pain, tumors and to become cancer free.  I’ve come to understand that the whole journey is a process.  If those parts could have been left out, they would have.  Each experience has a purpose.  Some are to help others through their journey…not necessarily to make it easier for them, but for them to experience everything God has planned for them to experience…for their learning and growth…to complete their earthly experience.  Ours is not to ask why, for it is not God’s purpose for us to understand all things in this life.  But ours is to live our lives just as God intended, touching other’s in ways that will impact them for good. 

We always hope that we are doing it right.  We hope that we are there to impact the right people at the right time.  It doesn’t always mean that we live the lives we have dreamed for ourselves.  In fact, more likely, it means we live the lives we never dreamed for ourselves.

I think the media tries to dictate who we should be and how we should feel when certain things happen in your life.  …so I expected a lot of grief and tears, emptiness and sorrow, tremendous loss, disappointment and days of depression.  But that’s not how I feel at all!  I’m disappointed I don’t get to see or hug Jake, or talk to him like we used to.  There’s no teasing or laughing at each other’s jokes.  He doesn’t stand in the dark and try to scare me at the bottom of the stairs, or sneak up on me while I’m in the laundry room.  While looking at him in his casket, I was hoping that he would open his eyes or grab my hand and scare the crap out of me…then hug me and tell me that everything was ok now.  I would have punched him for scaring me, (an uncontrolled reflex!) then hugged him for a very long time. 

What I feel is peace.  Every parent wants their kids to move on when they are adults and that’s what Jake did…just not in the way I was expecting.  I’m sure he’s going to school, taking classes, meeting lots of pretty girls, dating and having the time of his life.  He too is sad that we have lost the communication system we had going here, but our love still binds our hearts together…I feel him close all the time…so I’m not missing him like I thought I would.  Perhaps if he left completely and quickly, I would feel the emptiness and tremendous loss…but what I feel is that he continues on…living his life where I can not see or share. 

I also feel a great relief of stress and worry and time and heartache.  My heart no longer breaks… because the pain is gone from Jake, and therefore it is gone from mom.  It surprises me, a little, how connected to his pain I was…because of the immense peace I felt when it was over.

Most of my grief and crying was done in anticipation, before he passed.  And there was much of it.  Now…we are adjusting…we are fine.

Grateful, I am, knowing where he is.  I don’t feel comfortable or truthful saying that I have lost my son.  He is not lost to me or to God.  He is right where he is suppose to be, doing what he’s suppose to do…finally!

I’m happy for him, as I would be for a son who got accepted into a prominent institution of higher learning and had to go away for more schooling…and oh, the things he will learn!  Fabulous travel experiences, incredible teachers, awesome friends, dating experiences, love…endless possibilities!  They will love him there as we loved him here!  He will make them laugh with his Jake-isms and he will love his life!

Jake, I hope you find your niche in the place where you now reside.  I hope whoever your companions are there can help you see your awesomeness…in a way you were never able to see it here.  Your sacrifice and love here was nothing less than amazing.  May you recognize all of the gifts God has bestowed upon you and use them wisely.  May you find the love of your life in your travels…you know, the girl that makes you smile when you talk about her, the one who you can’t wait to see and share with, the one who loves to hold your hand and make you laugh!  The one who makes you want to live better!  The one you will hold in your heart forever!  The one you can’t wait for me to meet!

May the time between our hugs be long enough, but seem short.  You are in my heart…always! 

Love you bud!

Mom

Per your request...

Below is a copy of the talk I gave at Jake's funeral...

Jacob Charles Holladay

Jacob Charles Holladay was born at 12:34 p.m. on that beautiful day of April 19, 1991.  Jake made that journey into this world with his brother and best friend, John Matthew.  They were 5 lbs 4 oz when they were born…tiny, adorable little guys.

They loved their walkers!  They were sitting up and scooting around in them at four months.  With two of them, it was like bumper cars in our West Valley home.  I had to put Jake in blue or the darker color to tell him apart from John…or Matt as we called him then.  Jake had the purple binky holder and Matt had the red one.  Who do you love, Jake?  Mamamamama.

Our favorite neighbors lived across the street.   Kara and Rachael would often come steal Jake and Matt from our house.  Sunday dinners were a tradition at the Lubbers house.  We told the boys that cauliflower with cheese on it was candy so they would eat it.  Mike would tell them not to tap on the glass of the fish tank…so of course that would be the first thing they would do.  Trudy would make these fabulous brownies for Sunday dinner, then she would wrap the leftovers in plastic wrap and put them in the freezer.  If the boys ever went missing…I had a pretty good idea where to find them…The boys would help each other push a chair over to the fridge so they could raid the brownie stash.

One hot summer day, Mike found them streaking in his back yard, through the sprinklers.  Another time, they thought it would be a good idea to throw bricks at a neighbor’s car window!  Thank goodness for homeowner’s insurance and understanding neighbors!

Jake was always willing to help Matt out when he could.  At age 4, Matt got something in his eye when we were building our home in Lehi.  I took them to the Moran Eye Center to have it checked.  During an eye exam, the doctor was showing Matt pictures, instead of letters, because he couldn’t read yet.  The first picture was kind of abstract…Matt was staring at it, trying to figure out what it was and Jake leaned over and whispered…”It’s a cake!”

The boys shared everything…from food, to clothes, to friends.  They shared a special brother bond…especially this past year.  Any time there was a chance to see each other when John lived in St. George was met with much anticipation.  Both John and Zack would spend time talking with Jake about anything besides cancer…just what Jake needed.  They were always willing to take Jake to any of his appointments or even stay the night with him in the hospital.  They gladly carried him in his wheelchair to the beach to see the ocean.  The helped him walk from place to place…always with a shoulder to lean on.  Our last family camp out, they all stayed in the tent with Jake and took care of him…allowing the brother bonding to seal itself forever.

Although Mike and Spencer were not as close in age and thus, not as close, he loved them and always prayed for them…especially if they were not in the family prayer circle on Tuesday nights.

Tuesday nights…Jake’s prayer day.  Seven family members, seven days to take turn praying.  Jake’s day was Tuesday.  I will miss that.  The sweet prayers and the hugs.

The boys came to dread the words “Father Son Bonding Time”…because that meant they had to do some hard chore with dad!  Dave followed the example of his own dad and loved teaching the boys all the mechanical and electrical things they would need to know as men.  He also loved to play with the boys as much as mom would allow!  He loved gaming with them, taking them shooting, camping…especially the “boys only” trips!  I was reminded recently of one time the boys came home and the wind had blown Jake’s tent, my sleeping bag and Jake’s Game Boy into the fire pit.  They were on a hike at the time and when they came back…there was not much left.  Jake didn’t much care that my sleeping bag was burned up…but he was pretty bummed about losing his Game Boy!

And then there is Austin…his brother from another mother.  Austin has been his friend since they met at 4 years old.  When discussing where Jake wanted his belongings to go, the first person Jake was concerned about was Austin.  Jake spent many nights sleeping at Austin’s house…on his floor or on his bed.  Many a time Austin has come and played his guitar for Jake.  He paid the extra $100 for Jake to have the bike he wanted for his last birthday...then he bought himself a bike so he could go with Jake on his bike rides.  Austin could love Jake no more than if he were his own brother…and so he was.  His family took his lead and also loved Jake as one of their own.  (Of course, it was a package deal…Jake and John).  Karen did all she could to help Jake get better…because she loves my son as much as I love hers.

Kyle…his other brother from another mother…is serving an honorable mission in Oklahoma.  He knows that as much as we would love him to be here…Jake knows that he loves him.  Jake would pray for him every Tuesday, as we all do every night.  We are sad that the timing is such that Kyle couldn’t be here with us…but we feel his love…miles away.

We are grateful for all the “pretty girls” in his life.  Those who came and spent time with him, even if they did make him watch chick flicks!  There are those who held his hand and helped steady him as he walked.  Those who made him laugh.  Some gave him kisses and hugs.  There are those he befriended from the internet…from one coast to the other.  He loved talking to the girls!  Most wanted the honor of meeting him and getting a “Jake” hug.  It was so sweet of Kayli to take him on his only date!   …one he has never forgotten.  She may not have been his true love, but she was a true friend!

Broken things…I recall coming home from Girl’s Camp one year and my sister had stayed with the kids.  She was holding Jake, who had just run into the metal part of the door and split his head open just below his eyebrow.  I tried to start the van to take him to the Urgent Care, but it wouldn’t start…so Angie came to my rescue and she hauled two of her youngest with Jake and I to the doctors to get him stitched up.  Jake was fine…but the doctor made me leave because I was the one crying. 

Another time when Uncle Mark was visiting us with his family, Jake and John were running to the bathtub and Jake slid…only to be stopped by the cool white ceramic toilet bowl on his chin…more stitches…..Oh, correction from John…He didn’t slide…he was pushed!

I wonder if Jake volunteered to take the most pain in the family…a year of chemo, radiation and those ugly, nasty tumors.

I’ve shared this with some of you, but for those who haven’t heard…God sometimes shares with me slivers of time…glimpses of life before I was born here.  One such glimpse was when I was asked if I would accept the job of helping Jake through this part of his journey.  I was warned that it would be very hard, but God promised me he would be with me every step of the way.  I kept my promise to help Jake through this…and God kept His promise…every second of it!  He poured out so many blessings upon me and my family…I gave up trying to keep track of them all…many more blessings than tumors.  Many of those blessings came from the hands and the generosity of you…here.  Some came from the hearts of those who didn’t even know us, but knew of us…How tender of the boys of one of my racquetball buddies who sold flowers at Mother’s Day and donated the money to Jake!  I don’t think any of those sweet boys ever met Jake…yet still they gave.

I’ve gotten many remarks:  Not fair, didn’t get to live his full life, horrible year for you…

All partially true statements.  Not fair?  Nowhere in my book of life did it say that Life was going to be fair.  We do get our fair share of challenges…and would we want to trade with anyone else…absolutely not!

Didn’t get to live his full life?  Absolutely, he did!  He did not live the life you or I or even he dreamed for himself…but he did live the life he was meant to live…for the time he was meant to live it.  Many times…these past few weeks, God would tell me…”Don’t worry about it!  I’ve got it handled!   Everything is right on schedule!  Everything is going according as planned!”

In the very beginning God told me that I had said I wanted what was best for Jake…no matter the outcome.  Indeed I did want that!  The faith I had to have to trust…that this was the best for Jake!  He also said I would like the outcome...Jake passing was not the part I like…but that was not the end, not the outcome God was referring to.

At times I felt this was my Abraham experience…how far did I have to go?  How much was God going to require of me?  Would I have to truly lay Jake on the alter?  Would He actually take him back?  Could I do all that I had promised I would do?

Horrible year…some parts, yes, but also a year of unforgettable love and service…to Jake and to our family.  Not an unkind word from brothers…just loving kindness and service, unconditional love…15 months of it.  I learned to find Joy in places I never looked before!  Prayers from around the world focused on our little family!  The strength I felt has been nothing less than amazing!  So much strength that many times, it was my time to reach out and strengthen others. 

President Reins (religious leader) called us in to talk about how we were doing with Jake’s failing health…I thought he was going to tell us we have used up our allotted acts of kindness…because there were so many!  They didn’t decrease, they increased!  I feel like we hit the Lottery of Love and Compassion!  It was like God was saying…you thought that was awesome…just wait till you see what’s next!

The last week or so of Jake’s life was so heart breaking for me.  I was doing what I promised…taking care of him, yet every touched caused him immense pain!  Some may ask,  Were we not good enough to have our prayers answered?  Did we not have enough faith to heal the sick?  Have all our prayers gone unanswered?  Why would God let this happen to such a young man?  I believe with all my heart, that I could have walked in Jake’s room one morning and all of the tumors could have disappeared and Jake would have been good as new…IF that was the best thing for Jake.  I believe that you are GOOD enough, had enough faith, and each prayer was heard and answered with the very thing Jake needed.  My prayer was not to heal Jake, but mine was that whatever was best for Jake would happen…and that I could live with it.  Cured of cancer?  Yes he was!  Pain taken away!  Absolutely!  Miss him?  More than words and tears can express.

He won!  Jake played the game of Life and he beat us all!  You’re still here…BE AWESOME!

Though the heavens wept this morning…they were not weeping for sadness, they were weeping for Joy…because Jake was theirs again!

Thank goodness for our free agency…because we have choices!  We can choose to only see the bad or the hard stuff and live in sorrow, grief, anger and pain…or we can choose to acknowledge the hard stuff and remember the love, the kindness, the abundance of tender mercies and live in peace and happiness, hope and faith.

I'm Free

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

I'm following the path God laid for me,

I took His hand when I heard Him call

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way

I found that peace at the close of the day

If my parting has left a void

Then fill it with a remembered joy

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,

Oh yes, these things I too, will miss!

Be not burdened with times of sorrow

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much...

Good friends, good times a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief

Lift up your hearts and peace to thee

God wanted me now, He set me free.

Given to us on a plaque by the Lubber's Family

I can't believe it's been a week!

I can't believe it's been a week already! Jake has been with me since his spirit left his body...until 2:30 this morning! I woke up...and he had gone. I seem to hear his guide say..."It's time to leave her, Jake! She's going to be ok now...just let go of her heart. I promise it won't break if you let go." ...and then he let go...my heart kept beating...still in one piece. He left to go do whatever he is suppose to do now.

I recall when Jake was 6 and I was going into labor with Spencer. He hated seeing me in pain. He held my hand...it was all I could do not to crush is little hand each time a contraction came. He watched my face and listened for my breathing to increase...then he would grab my hand.

I left the house for the first time Monday. The viewing was amazing! So many hugs! My friends did an awesome job setting up pictures, had music

Beautiful flowers!

Beautiful casket spray designed and created by my SisNlaw, Janet

White Cali Lilies for peace

While roses for heaven

6 red roses for the ones he left behind

1 red rose in the middle...because Jake is still part of us

made with love, sweat and tears!

The funeral started with the fire alarm going off for some time...before we could start. We found that amusing! Zack read the obituary, then he and John told of the Jake-isms we remembered. The one I forgot to include is how he would sit downstairs, in the dark and wait to scare me. The bigger the scream, the bigger the accomplishment! I think they would rate them...a good scream was about a 6 and a scream and a punch was a 9! He would often bleat my name like a sheep...Maaaam, Maaaam! I can't beleive he got John to do the "Jake" dance! Jake couldn't lift his feet too well from some of the chemo he got...so he made up his own little dance. All the boys would stand in a line and do it...so funny!

I somehow found the strength to talk at his funeral. I will post that talk later, for those who weren't able to hear it.

The brothers, uncles, friends and best friend's dads carried him to the hurst and to his final resting place at the Lehi Cemetary...in our newly acquired deeded property.

Even in this saddest day of our lives...lots of love in the Holladay Family!

Greatful for my awesome guys!

My RS Peeps

A few (not all) of the awesome friends who put everything together!

Our friend, Rich, who played some amazing guitar while we ate our fabulous luncheon!

Lucky Charms was Jake's gaming name and gummy sharks were his favorite treat.  I don't know how they got these, but someone printed out the Lucky Charms label and found all these small boxes of cereal and put them on every table!  My friends are the coolest!

So many hugs!  So many friends, neighbors and family here for our support!  Flowers...so many beautiful flowers!  We have them in every room...even the bathroom!

We thank everyone for the love and kindness and your support during this sad time for us.  Even my racquetball buddies came and my Biggest Loser Team and trainer!  Friends and neighbors came from near and far to show their love and support for Jake and our family...not to mention the valet guy from Primary Childrens, some of the nurses, the sweet lady who ran the parent support group, all of Dave's work buddies/bosses, old friends from old neighborhoods and college, old friends from high school...I bet if I asked all of my best friends to raise their hands...half the audience would have.  You guys are amazing!

Jacob Charles Holladay Obituary

Jacob Charles Holladay

Obituary

Born April 19, 1991, in Salt Lake City, Utah with his best bud, John Matthew Holladay.  He was one of 5 boys in the Holladay family.  Those left behind are his parents, David Owen and Rose Sweet Holladay, brothers Zachary, John, Michael and Spencer Holladay…and their dog, Molly.  Best friends that were like brothers from other mothers…Austin Buchanan and Kyle Joyner.

Jake returned to his Father in Heaven on September 29, 2011...a joyous day for him…a sad day for us.  So happy he is finally free from the awful pain that came with cancer…but we will miss him more than we can express in words.

Jake was diagnosed with cancer on June 15, 2010.  Later we learned it was called Rhabdomyosarcoma (we never heard of it either!)   He started chemo in July, radiation in August, surgery the following June, endured many pokes and pricks and lots of sick days and hospital stays.  He was just applying for college when it all started.  Too sick for school or work, he spent his last year recuperating and enjoying life as much as he could.

As bad as cancer is…the tender mercy it provides is time to say good-bye, time to make more loving memories, time to serve and love, time to laugh, time for extra kisses and hugs, time to bond and seal in our hearts the love and memories we have of Jake.

Jake lived only 20 short years.  He loved to laugh and make others laugh.  He was a good listener to all of his “girl” friends.  He loved being in the mountains, four wheeling, fishing, hacky sack, shooting with dad, paintballing, laser tag, golf, gaming sleepovers…hanging with his bros and buds and pretty girls.  Jake would meet friends all over the country through gaming…of course he liked the girls the most.  He was always texting them and helping them through their challenges.  Jake was known for being a great friend. 

Those who preceded him in death are his Grandpa, John C Holladay, Uncles John and Don Holladay, cousin Thomas Sweet, most recently a favorite great Uncle Jack Bailey…and a cat named Tigger (but we didn’t tell him he died, we just said he ran off!  Maybe he knows now!)

Jake, your little hand prints are in stone in the garden.

I’m sure there are more handprints on the walls downstairs…and your love is imprinted in our hearts…forever.  Thank you for loving us and making it easy for us to love you.  You are one awesome Holladay!  We are proud to call you brother, son and friend!  Our love will always transcend the veil of this earth.  Thank you for watching over us as we try to find our way without seeing you around…without feeling your hugs.  Peaceful journey, my son.

Funeral services will be held Tuesday, October 4, 2011, 11:00 a.m.  Viewing October 3^rd, 6:30-8:30 p.m.   1200 East 2178 North, Lehi, UT

Surrounded by Angels

All this week I have seen and felt angels around the house...and around me when I was at the temple.  There were angels on the roof tearing off the old stuff, and then later putting on a fabulous new roof that will keep us dry and protect us for years to come.  Angels brought us food, snacks and fed those giving us service.  Angels brought tools to accomplish the magnificent task set before them.  Angels came and held my hand and helped me clean and get things back in order.  One beautiful little angel sat at at my counter and circled all the toys she wanted in the ToysRUs ad...making sure I saw every one of them.  Another tiny angel came and snuggled my heart...and drooled and spit.  Still another, fresh from heaven came with a baby snuggle, a smile and a burp.  Little short angels came and jumped on our trampoline and reminded me what it was like to hear the laughter of children.  Then there were those beautiful children and young men and women who came and helped clean up the mess the men were making...and one brave young man was not afraid to jump down in the window well and dig out the years of kids throwing their wrappers and popcicle sticks there...inspite of the spiders!  There were angels who tore off my broken shutters.  Unable to find the right size or style to replace them...another angel had stored exactly what I needed in his garage, for five years...so it could show up for me when I needed it.  Not being the right color, angel Randy took the shutters to his home and painted them...with the paint that was still good...after 16 years of sitting in my garage!  Still, another angel took to putting up doggie prison bars in the two places my dog has been digging and were blocked by boards we had stuck there last winter. 

I told one friend...When we first moved here, Dave and I put the roof on and I was the one who painted the shutters and the door.  I am the one who pulls the weeds, mows the lawn, takes care of the garden and the house.  Now I look at my house and see the love written all over it...and it warms my heart. 

God bless you for your service and love to us.

Happy and Sad at the same time!

Here's an update from after our trip.

Traveling is very uncomfortable for Jake.  Anything but lying down with his legs propped up is a painful experience.  Even carrying him from room to room is too painful.  Everywhere we touch is pained with tumors...except his feet, hands and face.  He still winces when I plant a big wet kiss on his forehead.  When I asked him what he wanted today, listing off food items first, he whispered he didn't want anything, so I said, "A kiss?"  His eyes went all wide and he pulled back a little!  I had a good laugh at that!  Still my Jakey!

The last two days he has spent most of sleeping.  He doesn't eat much...I think the last thing he ate was some soup our friend Jodie brought over on Monday.  The rest is drinking juice.  He has been sleeping with his mouth open and that makes his mouth very dry...(all of his grandparents sleep with their mouths open so he didn't stand a chance! haha) 

I tried to get him on a morphine drip to help with the pain.  He didn't want anything to do with IV's, and when the nurse didn't get the first try to work...he wouldn't let her try again.   ...so he manages his pain with pills and I told him when he is tired of the pain, we can hook him up. 

I try to look for the good times to have some serious talks about if he has any preferences on funeral stuff, head stones, etc.  My favorite was:  I win!  You're still in the game.  Be Awesome!  It reminds me of the game of LIFE.  Who ever gets to the mansion first with the most, wins!  He must have found one quick short cut to the finish!

I told my friend today I have come full circle with Jake.  Back to changing diapers, feeding and bathing and trying to make him smile.  When you are birthing, every contraction you feel...you wonder if this is it...is this the start of the birth!  Now with each thing Jake is going through I wonder...is this it?  Is this his time to go...to start his new life...the life I don't get to see anymore?

People have asked if I want Hospice to come in and help.  I'm not sure what they would do better than I can.  When the twins were born, I knew there was no one in this world more fit to take care of my three boys, 22 months and under, than I was.  I had all of the equipment, the patience and the love that they needed.  Now I feel the same way about Jake.  I picture Christ washing the feet of his disciples...wasn't it Peter who wanted him to wash all of him?  It's an honor to take care of Jake.  Why would I want to pass that on to anyone else?  I'm not stressed out about it.  It doesn't make me overly tired...I have the equipment, the patience and the love that he needs.  Some say that the hospice people can help me get through it easier.  God is helping me right now...I don't think anyone can do a better job than Him.  I don't feel the need to pay people to be nice to us...I have the most awesome friends and family already!  Strangers have shown us much kindness!  Even the guy who parks our car at the PCMC valet service (Daniel) prays for us all the time.

Our doctor is awesome about answering questions and keeping in touch and making Jake as comfortable as possible.  She lets me take as much time as I want...even if I'm just telling her something funny that Jake said.  Thanks for your concern and compassion, Dr. Wright!  You are awesome!

We are doing fine!  I try not to look like the person who is waiting for her son to die...although after missing a days shower, a guy at the gym told me I didn't look too great!  What...I wanted to get my workout in before I showered!  We are all trying to live in a happy state.  There will be plenty of time after Jake is gone to be sad.  It is possible to be happy and sad at the same time.  I have to look a little harder to find joy...but it can be done...I asked God to help me see it...and He did.

Good information to know:

If you want to visit Jake (and we welcome visitors...just not a ton at a time) he is usually willing to sit up and talk late afternoon to evening.  Mornings he has been sleeping...alot.  I don't expect to even get coherent words out of his mouth until maybe 1:00 pm.  Note:  Jake especially loves it when the girls (not the Mrs. kind) come visit!

Jake can't digest much food, and like I said, he has just been drinking these past few days...so if you are making a special treat for him, please don't be offended if he doesn't eat any of it.  Brothers have no problem taking care of the treats for Jake...it's a service they are happy to render!

If you want to do something, but you don't know what would be helpful, please feel free to call, text or comment.  I won't ask...even if you tell me to...but if you ask me I'll let you know.  If you're too far away, prayers are always welcome!  We are praying that Jake can be out of pain and be at peace.  Everyone has been so awesome already!  We wish you many blessings for your kindness to us!

Thanks for your interest in Jake and our family. 

Cali trip part 2...

We finally talked Jake into going to the beach.  Someone suggested LaJolla Beach because it was wheelchair friendly.  It took us forever to find it...didn't quite leave early enough in the day.  Getting this crew in the car at the same time is like herding cats!

It was very touching to see these guys pick up Jake's chair at the end of the ramp and just carry him the rest of the way.

I'm not exactly sure what these guys are posing for...silly boys!

Look, Fern and Carrie!  The boys are playing with the toys you brought us!  No one was too bored that they colored in the cowboy coloring book, though!  The board John is holding is a skimming board.  You run, throw the board on the water and jump on it and skim across the water.  John was the best at it, Zack got a few good runs on it.  I tried it...it's harder than it looks.  The first beach we tried it at had too many rocks.  This one was perfect!

Spencer looks on as John gives Zack skimming lessons.

There's how you do it!

Zack got some good rides in!

This as good as it was going to get for Jake.

One of Jake's many funny faces.

The saddest thing for me was that Jake would love to be skimming or making the sand castles or tossing the football with the guys...but he can just sit and watch...very uncomforable for him.

But still...

We have been so blessed by the generosity of friends, family and strangers.  We might not have had the fancy food of a cruise, but the boys got the food the love the most...and I didn't have to cook most of it!  Jake loved being in California with us.  I got a little girl time in...nice run on the beach, some nice Jacuzzi time with Dave and Spencer, sweet one on one time with my Jakey!

Families can be together Forever!